An Outsider

It is often too easy to feel like an outsider even in a world where I should fit in such military veterans, mental health patients, PTSD sufferers for example.  It is hard for me to feel like I fit in at most places because often people like to joke about and it's an area where when people make fun of the way I look or how I remind them of some inept cartoon character and then give me that nickname whether I wanted it or not.

At times I couldn't even stand being near my own family because they made fun of the way I looked or acted.  As if their own awkwardness wasn't funny but mine was hilarious.  I still harbor some serious hatred for a family of five never seemed to include me until they absolutely had to.  You know family trips where I was sat on a spare tire in the back of station wagon or jeep.  All because the older two didn't like my nervous energy sitting in between them.

And now the Mom who couldn't be bothered, the sister who could care less both think I should be taking care of them because they apparently can't seem to do it themselves.  Well if I can pull myself up and essentially grow up in a few years time without their help then by all means help yourselves.  Or at the very least ask someone else for help and not just because you think I am capable of giving you money to make your issues go away.  They weren't interested in helping me at all before I finally got my service connection but when I did they couldn't ask quick enough for some money from the backpay I had received of which they think I still have a bunch ( I don't spent it all).

And now occasionally since I had cut them off because I don't need any extra chaos in my life they try to use old friends or family they believe I haven't blocked to contact me to bring me back into their lives.  As a small child I often wondered why my Veteran Uncle was living way up North of Michigan's Lower Peninsula away from all of his family and as an adult now I totally understand.  They are so dysfunctional when they try to stick together they tear at each other emotionally with their words and actions especially since their Matriarch my Grandma died from colon cancer.

Why am I bringing this family crap out in the open you might ask?

There is likely someone who is reading this and is stuck in that same kind of environment who may need to know that it is possible to remove yourself from that environment.  It will likely take a lot of boundary issues where your family tries excessively to get back into your life especially if you are suddenly doing better on your own.  It will definitely entail some serious sacrifices on your part to get on your own two feet and yes I lucked out by getting my service connection but if you find the right mental health provider they might be able to help you get on your feet in a more positive less manipulative manner than your family might impose on you.

Keep your head up, keep pushing forward because even on my worst of days now I can sit in my own house, get in my own car and spend my own money all without one manipulation from anyone.