Yesterday I did the Department of Veterans Affairs Talent Show for my entries into the National Creative Arts Festival for Veterans obviously. I haven't sang in front of a live audience with a band or choir in over 20 years now. I was a nervous wreck but once I got on stage thankfully my overly-sensitive body was gaining strength from the guys that were with me that weren't nervous and I settled down pretty well.
We rocked some Lynnrd Skynnrd, I sang a Garth Brooks song that I've been singing since I first heard it and after the show was over I got to jam with some truly talented musicians who were both supportive and helpful. It wasn't like back in the day when my own family might show up but then make fun of whatever I was doing. It felt so good to get some of my old life back from before the Bipolar took hold and I gave into pressure to stop doing what I wanted to do. Doing instead what everyone else said I should because I was so weak from the Tornado kicking my butt all the time.
And today I got in a ride on my new 150cc Scooter, my head is so clear right now I'm not blowing like the wind is outside my front door of MY Home.
If you know someone who is in their twenties and suffering from a mental illness feel free to use me as an example because despite all the medical & mental setbacks with a little help from the Dept. Of Veteran Affairs finally I'm doing it all on my own. I have a car, my own home and I'm not behind on my bills to this date. I was not expected to see 40 years of age with my health/mental health issues this year I turn 49!
I've been on welfare, I've been locked up in a locked ward for 30 days, I've lived in adult foster care before I know how hard it is to hold your head when it's one reason or another you feel like giving up. Hell, last week I was there again due to the stress over the live show. And I'm still here breathing, talking and trying very hard to let go of the guilt and shame to live my life.
Not a positive life but a life. Because as they often remind me there is no perfect life, you make the best of it you can trying everyday to find something be grateful for, something to strive for, something to love when you look in the mirror.
A mistake is not an end of your world, it's just a mistake.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Manic, depressed and a day I hope won't come
Here I sit on Saturday night nearly Sunday already and I am manic and depressed already about Thursday the 18th. As we get closer I am so obviously reminded why I stop wanting to go on-stage before an audience. My mind is on overdrive and I want desperately to make it all stop.
But weeks ago when I failed to get through to the other guys that I didn’t want to do this for the talent show. It was yet another failure to stand up successfully for myself and not do something I would rather not do for someone else. What I want for them is NOT what I necessarily what I want for me. But that no longer seems to matter.
And last Thursday it became apparent to me that I wasn’t prepared for this part of being completely on my own. No one can give me the support I had way back in the day anymore and I can’t seem to find it in myself enough to keep myself focused and out of trouble. I have already alienated the two women who run the music therapy and I’m afraid I won’t be able to even go much longer due to that. If only I could explain that I am not doing it on purpose, I just can’t seem to stop the automatic response to stress i.e. my over need for attention and support.
I have not had a normal life by any stretch of the imagination and don’t want to be laughed at when I get up on stage because not everyone will be able to look past my appearance and odd behavior to hear what I sound like. I won't be able to achieve the respect the other guys will get and I already know that before the day comes. Because at times I’m not even getting it from them when I start acting out. Again, I am not doing it on purpose but the stress brings it out of me in ways I can’t seem to fight off.
And so here I sit on my bed, wide awake, dope sleep ( from my sleep meds) and wishing when and if I get to sleep I don’t wake up. So I can put everyone else out of my misery knowing full well that no matter what I do it won’t likely happen for me (not to me).
But weeks ago when I failed to get through to the other guys that I didn’t want to do this for the talent show. It was yet another failure to stand up successfully for myself and not do something I would rather not do for someone else. What I want for them is NOT what I necessarily what I want for me. But that no longer seems to matter.
And last Thursday it became apparent to me that I wasn’t prepared for this part of being completely on my own. No one can give me the support I had way back in the day anymore and I can’t seem to find it in myself enough to keep myself focused and out of trouble. I have already alienated the two women who run the music therapy and I’m afraid I won’t be able to even go much longer due to that. If only I could explain that I am not doing it on purpose, I just can’t seem to stop the automatic response to stress i.e. my over need for attention and support.
I have not had a normal life by any stretch of the imagination and don’t want to be laughed at when I get up on stage because not everyone will be able to look past my appearance and odd behavior to hear what I sound like. I won't be able to achieve the respect the other guys will get and I already know that before the day comes. Because at times I’m not even getting it from them when I start acting out. Again, I am not doing it on purpose but the stress brings it out of me in ways I can’t seem to fight off.
And so here I sit on my bed, wide awake, dope sleep ( from my sleep meds) and wishing when and if I get to sleep I don’t wake up. So I can put everyone else out of my misery knowing full well that no matter what I do it won’t likely happen for me (not to me).
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Emotional turmoil
Right now at this very moment I am regretting ever agreeing to sing with the guys for the talent show on the 18th because I was not prepared for how I was going to feel without someone behind the scenes to support me emotionally. A lot of people can say encouraging words to me but there was something to having a significant other back in the day when I performed last that kept my head on straight.
And at this moment my mind is anything but straight, it's winding itself into a begging for God to take me home yet again. Because when I get to this point I become an emotional vampire begging and needing attention I don't deserve because I'm supposed to be able to do this on my own by now and I can't. I have not had time to prepare for this part of my life coming back to me and I don't know how to be the emotional support I need.
I'm not used to being there for me, I'm used to me crawling inside and begging for death rather than put myself out there anymore. Because out there I am vulnerable and open myself up to things I never could deal with, criticism, support and people trying to emotionally connect with me which I never could do no matter how hard I have tried in the past it just feels hollow to me, empty as the glass once you've drank from it.
No amount of positive reinforcement can make me shake the feeling I'm about to humiliate and degrade myself for other amusement and retribution. I have always been told I wasn't worthy, that what I do is meaningless and unimportant in the grand scheme of life and that was by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally and didn't. And now I try to soak it up like a sponge and people cannot understand that at nearly 50 years of age I have with the exception of the last few years been my only support for everything emotional and with Bipolar, Depression & PTSD I don't know what is the right thing to do for me.
Putting myself out there leaves me feeling tortured and scarred and wishing I was no longer here. I know that's not right but I can't seem to help myself, it's a safety zone that is so familiar and safe. Unlike putting myself out there for others to hear and possibly ridicule, I just don't know how to feel anymore. My tornado is flowing at 195 and my mind is taking me to depths of fear I don't like feeling but can't fight off anymore.
And at this moment my mind is anything but straight, it's winding itself into a begging for God to take me home yet again. Because when I get to this point I become an emotional vampire begging and needing attention I don't deserve because I'm supposed to be able to do this on my own by now and I can't. I have not had time to prepare for this part of my life coming back to me and I don't know how to be the emotional support I need.
I'm not used to being there for me, I'm used to me crawling inside and begging for death rather than put myself out there anymore. Because out there I am vulnerable and open myself up to things I never could deal with, criticism, support and people trying to emotionally connect with me which I never could do no matter how hard I have tried in the past it just feels hollow to me, empty as the glass once you've drank from it.
No amount of positive reinforcement can make me shake the feeling I'm about to humiliate and degrade myself for other amusement and retribution. I have always been told I wasn't worthy, that what I do is meaningless and unimportant in the grand scheme of life and that was by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally and didn't. And now I try to soak it up like a sponge and people cannot understand that at nearly 50 years of age I have with the exception of the last few years been my only support for everything emotional and with Bipolar, Depression & PTSD I don't know what is the right thing to do for me.
Putting myself out there leaves me feeling tortured and scarred and wishing I was no longer here. I know that's not right but I can't seem to help myself, it's a safety zone that is so familiar and safe. Unlike putting myself out there for others to hear and possibly ridicule, I just don't know how to feel anymore. My tornado is flowing at 195 and my mind is taking me to depths of fear I don't like feeling but can't fight off anymore.
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