Here I sit on Saturday night nearly Sunday already and I am manic and depressed already about Thursday the 18th. As we get closer I am so obviously reminded why I stop wanting to go on-stage before an audience. My mind is on overdrive and I want desperately to make it all stop.
But weeks ago when I failed to get through to the other guys that I didn’t want to do this for the talent show. It was yet another failure to stand up successfully for myself and not do something I would rather not do for someone else. What I want for them is NOT what I necessarily what I want for me. But that no longer seems to matter.
And last Thursday it became apparent to me that I wasn’t prepared for this part of being completely on my own. No one can give me the support I had way back in the day anymore and I can’t seem to find it in myself enough to keep myself focused and out of trouble. I have already alienated the two women who run the music therapy and I’m afraid I won’t be able to even go much longer due to that. If only I could explain that I am not doing it on purpose, I just can’t seem to stop the automatic response to stress i.e. my over need for attention and support.
I have not had a normal life by any stretch of the imagination and don’t want to be laughed at when I get up on stage because not everyone will be able to look past my appearance and odd behavior to hear what I sound like. I won't be able to achieve the respect the other guys will get and I already know that before the day comes. Because at times I’m not even getting it from them when I start acting out. Again, I am not doing it on purpose but the stress brings it out of me in ways I can’t seem to fight off.
And so here I sit on my bed, wide awake, dope sleep ( from my sleep meds) and wishing when and if I get to sleep I don’t wake up. So I can put everyone else out of my misery knowing full well that no matter what I do it won’t likely happen for me (not to me).
No comments:
Post a Comment