Over the last few years when I have told people that in my mid 20's doctors told me I wouldn't likely live past 40 they keep telling me it's a gift. Really that's funny because a gift if I don't like I it or it doesn't fit quite right I can take it back or give it away. This is non-returnable after all I am a Manic-Depressive alcoholic who can't drink to make myself sleep days away and have way too much time on my hands alone.
Funny word alone, because even when I am in a room full of supportive people I feel alone. Because my entire life I have had to depend on myself to stay safe because my boundary and trust issues couldn't be counted on. Only to have failed me again and again until well...you know either I attempt to harm myself by death or burning. Neither really ever made me feel better or guilty just hurt and ashamed.
Many people have come and gone from my life over the years most of them left on unfriendly terms because after all by definition a narcissist is an asshole. Thus as I am a clear narcissist, I am an asshole who pushes people away as I grow older it becomes easier than ever. I live in a world where I have to hide the real me though I am quite certain most people can see it but because I pretend to hide it they pretend to not see it.
I don't think most people would ever understand that those negative comments about myself hide a deep seeded self-hatred from childhood. That over the years has only been strengthened by the way others have left my life. I drain them of their valuable support till they like victims of a vampire bite, they waste away to an emotional death leaving me in their wake.
I am of late facing a fact that as I grow both older and in poorer health that I will be dying alone. I can't have a "relationship" because even I don't know who or what I want anymore. After several failed one's all I learned was that my life became theirs and as our relationship failed so did my life. And how can anyone love me when I can't even love myself?
It's amazing how some people can't understand how easily I can be triggered if emotionally I am worn down. How one damn TV show can rip a hole in my positive momentum and drag me back into the abyss without much effort. How I can't keep a better attitude when I walk outside my home and the way people look at me only strengthens that self-image no matter what I do.
I see an animal as well only the animal I see doesn't want to harm you. He wants to tear my throat out and watch me die on the pavement as the blood leaves my ugly, deformed body. I don't have necessarily deformities you can see but I can't miss them each time someone looks at me as if I might harm them if they get to close to me. It's not as if I was blind I couldn't tell they feel that way my body doesn't miss that energy coming from others ever.
Which is probably why I am so tired lately because I have been taking it on more and more and want to crawl inside myself waiting for my life to end. There isn't enough time in a mental ward to vanquish this pain from my mind and certainly there isn't enough drugs to make it go away...
So what the hell do I do with this gift since I cannot give it back?
Monday, September 5, 2016
Saturday, September 3, 2016
I'm one of those unlucky people who didn't stay in touch with friends from college
The reasons are simple enough, I tried to kill myself back then several times as well as, tried to drink myself to death. After one attempt several of them got me in a room and talked to me. One in particular was very hard for me, her name was Donna.
Donna with the exception of my girlfriend at the time was my best friend though we didn't spend a lot of time together. When we were around one another we were nearly inseparable we had that many laughs together. I remember having a bit of a crush on her as she was a real stunner though very married and I had was in love myself or at least I thought I was.
One evening after the attempt I was put in a room with Donna and we were left alone to talk about what had happened. By the end of this conversation I was asked to promise something I begged her to not ask me to make. At the time my self hate was on overdrive despite all the good things going on in my life away from my destructive family.
About a year later, I broke that promise winding up locked away in a mental hospital upon my return I went back to my night class. By then she was already ignoring me as I recall wouldn't even make eye contact. But she wasn't the only one many people in the heart of the bible belt were understanding enough before the attempts but when I went through with it that all ended.
Including my relationship at the time because her parents didn't want her near me. I can't blame them but honestly your her parents and wondering why I didn't come to you? How about your her parents and my explanation would have been a laundry list of reasons my Manic-Depressive brain was throwing at me at that time. I had even been sober for a few months before that time.
Keep in mind that my memory isn't what it once was after ECT but there was one thing I won't ever forget. Those people who when my own family was dragging me down for what I seemed incapable of doing they were supportive and caring for me. I let them and myself down by listening to all the negative stuff till I couldn't take it anymore pain.
It was a pain that I cannot describe to you. I hurt from the Army no longer caring for me. I hurt from thoughts that my gf and my male bf were together behind my back (wasn't true). I hurt from trying so hard and seemingly getting nowhere. The mood swings and no meds were wearing me down in a hurry.
One shrink at that time returned me to the drug & alcohol rehab center stating there wasn't anything mentally wrong with me despite my clear description of my symptoms I could recognize well enough through magazine searches & what there was of online searches as this was the early 1990's after all.
But this isn't about him, it's about Donna really because last night she visited me in my dreams. And I was happy to see her but by morning I had once again broken my promise and poof she was gone again. And I won't likely ever see her again before I pass on. And with my health issues bearing down on my mental health issues hopefully I won't be suffering long because it hurts more knowing I broke her heart than does the fact I know one soon enough I won't be here anymore.
Donna with the exception of my girlfriend at the time was my best friend though we didn't spend a lot of time together. When we were around one another we were nearly inseparable we had that many laughs together. I remember having a bit of a crush on her as she was a real stunner though very married and I had was in love myself or at least I thought I was.
One evening after the attempt I was put in a room with Donna and we were left alone to talk about what had happened. By the end of this conversation I was asked to promise something I begged her to not ask me to make. At the time my self hate was on overdrive despite all the good things going on in my life away from my destructive family.
About a year later, I broke that promise winding up locked away in a mental hospital upon my return I went back to my night class. By then she was already ignoring me as I recall wouldn't even make eye contact. But she wasn't the only one many people in the heart of the bible belt were understanding enough before the attempts but when I went through with it that all ended.
Including my relationship at the time because her parents didn't want her near me. I can't blame them but honestly your her parents and wondering why I didn't come to you? How about your her parents and my explanation would have been a laundry list of reasons my Manic-Depressive brain was throwing at me at that time. I had even been sober for a few months before that time.
Keep in mind that my memory isn't what it once was after ECT but there was one thing I won't ever forget. Those people who when my own family was dragging me down for what I seemed incapable of doing they were supportive and caring for me. I let them and myself down by listening to all the negative stuff till I couldn't take it anymore pain.
It was a pain that I cannot describe to you. I hurt from the Army no longer caring for me. I hurt from thoughts that my gf and my male bf were together behind my back (wasn't true). I hurt from trying so hard and seemingly getting nowhere. The mood swings and no meds were wearing me down in a hurry.
One shrink at that time returned me to the drug & alcohol rehab center stating there wasn't anything mentally wrong with me despite my clear description of my symptoms I could recognize well enough through magazine searches & what there was of online searches as this was the early 1990's after all.
But this isn't about him, it's about Donna really because last night she visited me in my dreams. And I was happy to see her but by morning I had once again broken my promise and poof she was gone again. And I won't likely ever see her again before I pass on. And with my health issues bearing down on my mental health issues hopefully I won't be suffering long because it hurts more knowing I broke her heart than does the fact I know one soon enough I won't be here anymore.
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