It's 11 AM on Veterans Day

I'm here and you're not.

I'm sorry

My mind failed both you and me and left you alone in a world of violence and death.  When you paid the ultimate sacrifice I was in tears when I wasn't there.  I had to find out about you by seeing your name on my TV screen.

I hope you are at peace now because I am in my own living hell for not being there and each and every Veterans Day I punish myself by not going to any events I am invited to.  It's a day where I don't feel that proud of my service because I failed you.

Veteran's Day, Thank you's and my personal hell

It’s that time of the year again, the holidays bring on depression but there is one day in the fall above all that brings on a personal hell that is truly hard to describe.  I find it difficult to put into words why I hate this day more than others including Memorial Day.  I would imagine it has something to do with two simple words, “Thank You.”

For being thanked for my military service is a reminder of what I didn’t do in my mind.  It might seem an innocuous couple of words for most people, including many other Vets.  In my mind it triggers a pain I have lived with each year I get older my friends won’t.  Each year I grow more mature and live more, they won’t.  They won’t grow old to see their grandkids or become the wise patriarch of their family.

And when someone asks me to go to a Veteran’s Day event I want only one thing, to stick a gun in my mouth and make it stop.  I am not going to do it but that’s how I feel inside despite whatever that person might hear come out of my mouth.  I hide in my home and wait desperately for the day to end because I don’t want to hear those words.

To hear them even once a year is more than I can sometimes bear which for those who don’t understand would often seem overly sensitive and attention seeking.  That’s just it I don’t want to hear “Thank you”, I really don’t.  I just want the same respect you would give any other Veteran who went willingly into the military with the knowledge they might actually die in service to democracy and freedom.

It's the messages I get from movies, music and others..

If I am not safe at a period of time I am susceptible to such messages that can either wind me up or break me down.  I have given my everything to those I have loved, been friends with or was related to.  What I got in return has left me weakened, worn out and destined to be destroyed by my own mind if I can't fend it off.

Take for instance I watched a movie where the main character was clearly at the end of his mission and wanted to move on.  I get the message but I can't do what it is telling me, no matter how hard I try.  I push forward and hope that my mind won't drive me into the abyss leaving me hollow, empty and more willing to cause myself harm in some way...