I live in fear

I often get caught up in the living fear that someone I know or even someone I don't know who wants to mess up my world I am barely living does the one thing that should be unthinkable that I know is always possible...

They need only contact authorities with some claim I posted something online or said something to them and with my mental history I could be locked up till god knows when.  I was recently reminded of that fact while watching a TV show of all things.  I know it's fictional but the fact remains that because of my mental health and suicidal tendencies it wouldn't take much to tear apart everything I have worked so hard for since  2012 when I entered the inpatient program at the Battle Creek VAMC.

I know it can be hard to understand what appears to be an unrealistic fear but in my world it's not unrealistic it has actually happened before over something I said during an appointment for unrelated treatment.  My world spun out of control for nearly a week as I was "held" against my will only winding up getting out after certain concessions on my part including signing a voluntary treatment form dated for the day they put me into the hospital.

Like Dexter, I have to let go of others...

I might be late to the Party but as I finish up the Series Dexter on Showtime I was reminded of why I am better off being alone.  Though I am not a serial killer I do seem to destroy others lives who come in contact with me, my family, my kids, I mean my unadultlike behavior could easily by me be argued to have been part of the reason my father died of a bad heart.

For a great part of my adult life my world revolved around how much my parents were able to keep me out of trouble both financially and mentally.  Time after time, I was likely living in my car, hopping between friends homes or falling apart because of this or that.  Each time my parents insisted on taking me back in mostly to save their reputation as my father couldn’t stand having others find out I was living in my car.

All I can think about right now is how I destroyed his retirement, my kids lives and the long list of people with whom I have made them either fear me or hate me.  Until I finally got help from the VA to get on my feet I was dependent and so childlike that I feared even thinking about being alone and caring for myself.  And with a parent who treated me like I was still a child who needed to stay in the house in the summer supposedly to make it easier for them to watch while they were ill I was never supposed to grow up until my Dad passed away and they needed someone to take his place doing everything that parent didn’t want to do for themselves.

I don’t like being alone but I have gotten used to it because each and every time I opened up and let someone inside my emotional walls, I become like a emotional vampire sucking them dry.  I know I can’t keep doing it but when you live on a rollercoaster inside a small room with a tornado in it, you do what you can to keep going.  And that’s entirely the reason I am alone, so I don’t hurt those who want to care for and/or love me.

NCIS -Cracked

So yet again, I have failed to skip the episode guaranteed to trigger my mind to speed up and my eyes to eventually tear up within an hour in time.  I can relate to the woman who was killed in the episode for reasons many can understand, many more cannot even attempt to comprehend.  The chaos, the delusions, the arguing with no one aloud.

Many is the time I was caught talking to myself for decades going back to my childhood.  Often I just acted embarrassed but the reality is, you never tell others you talk to yourself unless you are sure they won't contact the authorities.  Often I was interacting in a world where no one existed except me.  I wasn't crazy, I was successful, I was doing good things with my life.  Not the craziness I was actually living in.

I hid inside myself hoping, begging myself to stop but I just couldn't even today I can be found doing it unintentionally about everything.  People I see (often women), things I think about become aloud verbal conversations regardless of where I am.  Music that triggers pain, anger or frustrations that I am even at my age not strong enough to fight it off.

I hurt people over the years as I struggled to contain what has been going on inside me out of frustration not real anger about them being near me, rather because I wasn't able to be me.  I needed to be able to talk to myself, as most of my lifetime I have felt alone no matter if I was "in love" with someone, married to someone, or with family.  Too many times my own loved one's didn't understand why I was unable to stop how I verbalized everything, my first wife often got hurt when she heard me say things I didn't really wanted her to hear.

The things I did to myself over the years, the drinking, the branding, the self destruction at jobs, even the suicide attempts were all from one source, the chaos.  Even today I fear being locked up if I admit to my mental health providers that I "hear voices" of course most of them are thoughts I have to ensure that I am alive, breathing and in charge of something for even a few moments of my life, at least mentally.

You would have no idea how many times I begged for death to make myself stop but to no avail.  I often lied to providers just to keep me from being put on some medications that would muddle my mind.  I don't need help frustrating myself and most of those types of medications are a guarantee that the creative side of my mind would likely stop from past experiences with similar meds.

I am not suicidal, just venting because even though I know I shouldn't watch the episode, like a moth to a flame I almost seek it out at least subliminally.  I know this to be true because when I purchased that season of NCIS on DVD... It was the first thing I did when I got it home...seek it out.

I'm sorry to those who have loved me or still care about me because no matter how hard I try, I can't stop and I will push people away by any means to keep my chaos in a more verbal way before I hold it in so long, I attempt yet again.

I awoke to an anger and realization...

That is now stuck in my craw, yesterday I was in a pretty good mood for a person who often goes through various mood shifts in just a few hours depending on the environment, etc...

Yesterday for instance I waited around the VAMC when Music Therapy wasn 't a go for two hours because I thought I had an appointment with my Therapist.  When I went to sign in, I found out it was actually for Wednesday and not in fact Tuesday.  I laughed all the way to the car.

After I awoke this morning I was on the toilet talking to myself (this is my normal) pissed off because my kids hate me, I had to cut most of my dysfunctional family out of my life for my own mental well being and I am going to die alone.  I know it won't be this week as I am NOT planning anything so please don't call the Police on me, I just know someday when it's my time....I will be alone.

I however, would rather be alone than surrounded by people who didn't treat me the way I thought I deserved, not the way they wanted me to think I earned by being me or being born.  The hostility that this brought about in me after the thought is gut-wrenchingly disturbing and heartbreaking at the same time. 

My ex, the mother of my kids works with people like me for a living and I assume because she is advancing there from what I can tell as some compassion for them, just not for me.  I know she told a Church Magazine that she thought I was her "soulmate" and honestly the feeling was reasonably mutual till she decided to put what her Mom wanted us to do in front of what I wanted to do.  And now she hates me (rightly so I guess).

She likely wouldn't even cry over my death rather, she would be standing there wanting to know what our kids were entitled to instead.  How do I leave something to someone who only wanted what they could get from me that was worth anything beyond the fact that I would have gladly sacrificed my life to save theirs, in other words, my LOVE.  I have them on my life insurance policy after I have paid whatever isn't prepaid for my funeral (Paid for that when I got my service-connection like I had planned on doing for years while waiting for it.)

I just really want to know why I give my love so freely when I let someone inside my walls only to in the end be rebuffed by them no matter how hard I try to get them to see I was doing the best I could all things considered.  I spent so many years hating myself for failing in the Army mentally (Proven to not be my fault), for not being there when my friends died when had I been mentally stronger I would have been and for everytime I looked in the mirror, hating the man or boy I was looking at...