There is something behind the decision of Suicide

I have often heard people claim that people who choose to commit suicide especially famous people such as my idol, Robin Williams are selfish for making that choice.  I believe they are wrong because it isn't about anyone else except for the fact that we often feel others would be hurt less and be better off without us around do cause this pain.

If you have ever lived with a Bipolar, PTSD, Major Clinical Depression person for an extended period of time you will find it can be frustrating, tiring, emotionally draining not only for you but for the person struggling with it as well.  To maintain any type of relationship when you have that going on inside your mind and you face a world filled with triggers it can feel like everyday is an emotional rollercoaster you cannot get off of.

As the struggle continues inside the idea of maintaining a relationship is catastrophic for some because you know you are hurting someone else and you are seemingly incapable at times of preventing that pain.  Thus the choice becomes a black or white issue for many who suffer as their is no gray area in the mind of many of us.  So we either stay and torture someone else, separate or for some choose to commit suicide to spare them and anyone who might have been involved with in the future.

To this day I have people who worry each and everyday that I might choose that again and cause them to be hurt by my choice.  It doesn't seem to matter how much I tell them I won't do it again, they don't believe me.  I broke several close friends hearts when I broke that promise long ago and now I don't even attempt to make it anymore.  It still hurts to think they won't look at me, talk to me or interact with me in public where safety is pretty much assured because I broke a promise I begged them to not ask me to make in the first place.

There is no way to get past it, get over it or move on from it, it will always be there in the back of the mind calling you to the darkened abyss it brings.  There is no need for guilt and shame to try to keep someone from making that choice, it only adds weight to an already struggling back trying to get the monkey known as suicide off their backs.

So the next time you shame or guilt someone who has attempted and failed, or who mentions they have been having those thoughts keep in mind there is something behind the decision you may never understand or have the ability to do so.  It is not about religious beliefs or fear of hurting someone else it is about the pain they are feeling that won't go away and like a heavy winter blanket it is suffocating them, they can't get out from under it no matter who tries to help them.

Why I don't blog more or write a book about my experiences...

I have often been asked why not write or blog about your whole life so others can learn from you and hopefully not make similar mistakes or inspire others to keep pushing forward.  It’s for two reasons that are hard to explain in one simple sentence you know “a long story, short.”

Growing up it never seemed to matter who I asked for protection or help and after a while I tried to avoid it.  And as I got older and my mind was clearly doing it’s own thing I struggled to hide myself inside while putting just about everyone else ahead of my own needs.

When I joined the military and was “Broken Down” during basic it triggered a mass exodus of any hope of fighting them off much more.  By the time I hit AIT having already asked once to go home during basic and being talked out of it was ready to run.  I made some bad choices and to cover up the real reasons which would have just gotten me pushed out the door with no honor left I lied about my reasonings.

If you weren’t there it can be hard to understand as I soon found out when I got home and confessed to a friend who’s wife knew the person involved unintentionally in the lie that transpired, it cost me the friendship after decades of his understanding based solely on a Christian belief system.  He failed to understand why I HAD to chose to do that in the service back then you didn’t show any signs of weakness and going outside the system for mental health help wasn’t an option.

So when they put me on Funeral detail at my first duty station my brain went on its own path leaving my possible career in shambles despite the choice to reenlist rather than going home to face a reality I couldn’t handle either.  During the funeral detail duty and I believe I mentioned this before in a blog, I had a nightmare that I had went under a semi-truck and flipped being killed that caused me to call my Mom and wake her up begging to make sure they brought my body home...three days later my cousin was dead, she went under a semi and died.

I was able to go home for the funeral after the Red Cross on my families behalf pushed the Army to let me go.  Because first cousins are NOT considered immediate family or at least wasn’t back then thus, you don’t automatically get leave to go home for the funeral.

When I got back I had eight months left of my enlistment contract and there was a push to reenlist early.  I talked to an older mentor Master Sgt. about it and I decided it was better than going home and I had no place else to really go after I got out.  I upped for Germany and got there and in less than eight more months I was dismanteling winding up getting drunk practically every night, the weekends was a long dark path leading up to a failed attempt at suicide that was more a begging for help. 

That cost me dearly as I was put in a small room and forced to have the people in my platoon I worked with watch me 24/7.  So every time I rolled over there was someone who didn’t want to be in that room staring back at me.  Which led up to my next attempt that was a bit more serious in nature.

A gallon of Jack, five or six long island iced teas, three or four german beers, a couple american beers, shots later I was in my room taking a large bottle of  tylenol.  I wound up in the ICU having slept for a week, two IV’s in my arms, my arms strapped down.  When I woke up an Army Captain Doctor told me I just hadn’t taken enough, dare I say his bedside manner was problematic for his career choice.  Then the shrink they had already sent me to earlier, a German conscript who first told to just “Stop Drinking” now offering me an exit from the service.

All of this and I still have to hide my shame and guilt from everyone.  I cannot express who I truly am because every time I turn around someone is telling me to basically “SHUT UP” and keep it to myself because their beliefs don’t match my own.

So I keep my mouth shut.

I may have finally found the end of my road

As this week draws to a close I am yet one step closer to the possible end of my road as recently I went into the hospital for shortness of breath and lightheaded and found out that my kidney's are struggling along though sadly my heart appears unwillingly to give up just yet.  I have acquired an extra beat like so many men in my family have but still....

The VA wasn't thrilled that I hadn't gone to Urgent Care but as anyone within the VA system knows if you have a mental health background you are likely to be treated like you are having a mental health issue and less like a medical one.  I didn't want another trip to the mental ward because they acted prematurely to "air on the side of caution".  I didn't need to be on suicide watch I really wasn't feeling well but likely would have been treated differently had I gone there instead of showing up at a therapy group like I chose to do.

So I spent the night in a local hospital on oxygen with an IV in my arm to rehydrate me but it looks like this might not be helping as my body is expressing fluids faster than I appear to be able to drink them in.  They even took me off several of my blood pressure meds to help me along at least temporarily but they didn't sound too happy when they called the next day and I was experiencing similar symptoms still.  Reiterating the medications to stop taking although I had followed their medical advice and stopped them as requested.

So here I sit, Bike in the driveway unable to feel well enough to get my so needed therapy for fear I might become too dizzy to drive causing bodily harm to me or someone else.

Therapy on two wheels & a mini chopper...

I have ridden in the past and even purchased a 200cc scooter that I was uncomfortable riding so I sold it, but I bought this mini chopper and wham! it hit me like a rock...Awake and rolling down the road at 30 mph and I WAS AT PEACE~

I found acceptance on that little thing and I am so shocked at what it seemed to take to get even a tiny ounce of something I have always craved, even if it's only a low hand wave or nod from another "Biker".

I have been feeling brighter the past few days and the only thing I have done differently is get on that bike.  It might be a moped to everyone else, slow and annoying to everyone else but in that moment I really have found some kind of peace I have been wishing for for a very, very long time now.

Triggers, Robin Williams & Me

So here I sit at 3 am, at 11:30 pm I was tired and took my meds, turned off the TV and went to bed.  I got up at 12:40 am to pee because after all I am an older man despite my baby faced appearance.  Anyways after I woke up to pee I was wide awake, groggy but wide awake.

I knew I was in for trouble two weeks ago when I saw a thing about Robin on TV but when it came closer and even Sirius Radio was talking about him again, I was done in.  I think I mentioned this before but I share a birthday with the man and also believe that at some point he mentioned having similar mental health issues as well as sensitivities.  So here I sit on August 11th at 3 am wide the frick awake thinking about him and me.

Yesterday I hit another hot button trigger when I saw an article from BP Magazine about relationships and how the opposite sex can help you cope with BP.  Of course this hit a trigger because my first wife had a miraculous way of keeping me on track and reasonably focused for a Bipolar and I will forever miss her for that reason.  She dealt with a great deal of my darker side including a deep depression where I threatened suicide if she didn't take me to the hospital.

As I get older I have devoted myself to staying alive until my body finally gives up on me for the sake of the children I fathered so they are not irreparably harmed by suicide. They don't want anything to do with me but I cannot harm them that way.  Unlike Robin who had plenty of money to be given to his kids after his passing if I do that there is no insurance payments from my life insurance and I know that they would likely take it personally as I know I would.

They respond to me as if I am a deadbeat Dad because my kids despite being in their teens now have never really been told what is mentally wrong with their father.  Despite having supervised visits while they were growing up because of my Bipolar according to my ex and her family I was never truly sick enough to be unable to provide for my kids and should have been able to find and keep working which I wasn't.

As I am now service connected for my mental illness through the Department of Veterans Affairs I receive a pension and they get a pretty good size chunk of that each month.  I haven't spoken to them since the oldest a year ago October decided I should suddenly give her money for a "School trip" though I wasn't given any information and I have no parental rights to those types of things as I am a non-custodial parent due to my Bipolar.  When I refused she told me off and I told her to not contact me anymore if she couldn't or wouldn't speak to me with respect as after all I am still her father.  Haven't heard from them since.

48, finally completely living on my own

So I recently turned 48, an age that many doctors from my mid to late 20's never ever thought I would actually see in my lifetime.  I had many health issues and my mental health being what it was and often still is there was no likelihood I would even have seen 40.  And here I am at 48 not really making major health strides but I am breathing, living on my own without any parental backing this time.

That backing this is big for me and they didn't cut me off as most would have presumed but rather I went into the VAMC for treatment and came out kicking mentally ready to try to cut the apron strings.  To be free of the manipulation from my Mom and no family telling me how I don't know what I am doing anymore.  I actually only really interact with one relative who is near my age and was my uncle's son on my mother's side of the family and that is only through Facebook, he never insulted me or made fun of me incessantly.

I got out of the VA and worked for a while through Voc Rehab and that was a struggle living in a new HUD apartment complex for Veterans here in Michigan.  I lost the job after a few months, just couldn't mentally keep struggling along.  As it turned out it was likely the best thing that couldn't have happened a few months later I was finally service-connected.  I used the back pay for a car and a house and for over a year I am living on my own (with rather intense therapy at the VA) but I am making my own decisions for the very first time in over 20 years by myself.  Fail or Pass they are mine and mine alone.

For a Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder/PTSD (non-combat) with a major depressive past including several serious failed attempts at harming myself.  And here I am, on my own THRIVING at least most of the time.