Sometimes the slightest trigger pisses me off

Sometimes when I get triggered I am the reason and it pisses me off to no end when this crap happens, I get somber at the wrong times like today I have to see my shrink.  I am more likely to say something I shouldn't when this happens and today it was all my dam fault.  I got bored went into my "music room" at home and began to tinker on the keyboard and sing a bit with the karaoke machine.

This started a memory I had been trying hard to avoid for several months and each time it crawls back into my mind I get more depressed than most other times.  You see I gave up on myself and my dreams after years of being beaten down by those who supposedly loved and supported me to the point where I only believed what they said as the "gospel" of me, and I quit.

I gave up everything that made ME happy and smiling about life, Music and Acting.  The only two things I ever seemed to have a natural aptitude for or at least as far as the music was concerned according to others who know about these things I had a "Pure natural set of pipes." And I just let it all go, my dreams, my happiness and now near the end of my existence when most of me seems to be failing I am constantly thinking about that dream that got away...

Bipolar & College Education

I am all too aware of how extremely hard it can be to be dealing with Bipolar and trying to get a higher education at the same time.  I have been down the road that leads to mental breakdowns and then returning to school hoping no one brings it up.  I am also aware of having it cost you a career when your fellow students aren't required to keep what they know about you to themselves when they go out into the working world.

The thing I want to impress on my fellow sufferers who are attending college or thinking about it, you might fall down but it doesn't mean you cannot keep getting back up.  Of course my no quit comes from a military training but that doesn't mean those who haven't served can't keep that same mentality going for them.  After all a fall is not a total loss as if you got your car dented backing into a light pole for instance.  You wouldn't total the car over a dent now would you, so you can't just write off your education and career goals just because you fell down a step or two.

Someone once reminded me...

A therapist once reminded me after I felt like I failed at attempting something while inpatient at my local VAMC for treatment that just because I faltered didn't mean I had actually failed like I was thinking.  Because at the time I was like many who believe that every misstep is a complete failure because we have no gray in between our black & white vision.

I know what it feels like to be making really positive strides in your life only to feel that misstep as a complete and utter falling down of sorts.  The emotional turmoil it can cause can feel totally overwhelming and devastating at times but it is what it is, only a misstep and not the actual end of the world.

Often people who are bipolar and some other mental health survivors take every falter as the end of the world.  Keep going and work through it no matter what your mind is telling you because if someone like me who suffers from PTSD/Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder/Major Clinical Depression and achieve two college degrees, nearly a bachelor degree as well.  I was also in 20+ years of suffering able to survive a cancer scare that did put me into a down spiral but guess what despite my own father in law firing me when I got out of the hospital I survived.

And you can too.

I hate foggy days

It's not what you think it is about driving in a heavy fog that is unless you are thinking about a fog inside your brain.  Because that's what I am talking about when I say I hate foggy days, those days when no matter when you wake up you just can't seem to focus.  Your being given directions and if you are visual like me you are trying to picture it in your mind but you can't.

The frustrations mount up as they keep repeating it to me not realizing that I cannot actually understand what they are telling me.  I wish I could just open my mouth and say to them, "I am sorry but I can't seem to focus on what you are saying at the moment."  But I can't.

The fear of opening up even sometimes to people who know about my mental proclivities might react differently based on the time of day, stress they are under, etc... leaving me afraid to even consider opening my mouth.  Because when my body senses that what they are saying isn't what they really want to say, my mind can find the rage button pretty quickly and often not at the person or persons I want to take it out on.

So I sit and stew on it remembering when I can get a second to focus on it, I hate foggy days.