In the last few days I have been dealing with a serious backslide and I have NOT tried to fight it off. The main reason was when Ms. Grimmie was just getting started, her and I had interacted because of my Music Blog and performance history. Now I am not the reason she is dead but it hurts someone like me just as hard as if I was.
I look in the mirror and I cannot understand how I have spent over 20 years wishing I wasn't breathing almost everyday while she was not only getting started but wanted to live and she's gone. How am I supposed to understand why if there is a God he left me here and took her away? How am I supposed to not let it eat at me that I could easily connect my sharing of her work with any possibility of her death?
And how do I not take it out on myself for months if not years going forward? I just don't know, I just don't f'ing know. I want to get drunk, I want to forget, I want to burn my skin and yes at moments when I draw a breath, I want to die. I would easily take her place if I could so she could enjoy what is left of her life that is taken away but I can't.
I know this isn't about me and yet somehow I am so narcissisticly needing to blame myself because it hurts as much as when my idol took his life. My tears feel like I am bleeding, my voice doesn't want to sing ever again. I want to quiet my mind and my motorcycle aka "Scooter" is out of commission until I get the parts I need...So here I sit, in pain, in tears and wishing I could shut it all down.
My second Dad even called me today and I am quite sure there was another reason than his heart ailments of late. He mentioned the mass shooting in Orlando and I hadn't known about it yet for whatever reason. I wish I had never heard about it... My soul is weeping, begging me for relief from the pain and I can't do it. I can't take my life.
