It's Thursday morning and I am already regretting thinking about going back to music therapy. Because Tuesday afternoon at therapy I let another Veteran take something from me and I hate myself for letting it happen. Just because he didn't want to do a song for our next show on the 29th.
We wanted to the "Ballad of the Green Berets" and he being a Marine didn't want to. So he was mocking the lyrics and I let something he did get to me. Despite everything I am, everything I believe in and everything I want to become it ate at me.
My second "Dad" was a Green Beret and to do anything that tarnished what he had been through in Vietnam wasn't going to sit well with me. That man had put himself between me and harms way when I was 13 without a second thought.
To this day I can go to him when I'm hurting and need to get it out without judgement though I can feel the fear in him that one day he will get a call, the call, the one that say's I took my life. And it hurts.
And then this guy, this Marine did something to disrespectful all because he didn't want to do the song. And who do I blame? Me. Always me.
It reminds me how much I can't keep a promise that I will never attempt again, or that I will always come to him when I'm hurting inside. How do I go to him with this one? How do I say to him, "this guy made fun of what you are and I did nothing."?
How do I look him in the eye after he protected me without a thought and I did nothing to honor his courage, his efforts, his Green Beret?
