Fear and my own demise

As I sit alone on another major holiday where my kids don't call me and most of my family has been cut away to save my own sanity I come to my greatest fear yet again.  I don't fear dying, I fear dying while being pitied by medical staff because there is no one to come to see me at the end of my life.  I will have a grand military funeral paid for by me for no one.

I know some people will be there, friends who live nearby but no one I have to share what's left of my life because I can't do that to someone.  They shouldn't have to live through the darkened rage of my bipolar mind.  I can't ask someone to love me when I can't feel and give love the way others do.  I don't know what it feels like, what it looks like or how to truly give of myself without giving up on myself.

So I sit teary eyed, broken yet again awaiting my end, alone.

Bipolar & the threat of Cancer on two fronts

As I sit here on the Friday before Christmas I am awaiting big news that cannot come soon enough for me.  You see I have had Colon Polyps in the past and some were just shy of full blown Type A Cancer.  And on this past Wednesday I went to the Ann Arbor VAMC and was given an Upper/Lower Endoscopy where they took no less than 13 Biopsies from my Stomach & my Colon.

And now I sit here with no real information days before Christmas knowing that I will at some point be told at the very least I likely need surgery on my stomach for a hole that appears to be causing issues.  And I know they will want to redo my fundoplication (I'm sure I misspelled that word) for my severe acid reflux.

I would rather spend Christmas with knowledge of what's to come than sit here with nothing and no real opportunity before the holiday to be sure of what they want to do to/for me.  My Bipolar is on overdrive as I struggle to not worry myself to death over this thing that happened just days before Christmas.

Silent Night

Sometimes

Sometimes I think even the VA employees forget how screwed up I really am or what I've been through that makes me sometimes act that way.  Yesterday, yet again after I said something I hear the VA employees taking pot shots at me with me 3 feet from them.  The more I thought about it the more it irritated me but I can't do anything because it's one of the only groups I am still allowed to go to for various reasons.

If I blow that one up that means no more music therapy, no more singing and no more belting out like I cannot do at home.  I want to say something but how do you explain that I really can sense what others are thinking and it's not my BIPOLAR DELUSIONS telling me that?  How do I get them to understand that I often stay close to them when I feel insecure in public because often growing up my only protectors were female?

I did fairly well yesterday at the Christmas talent show but I'm struggling with the rest of it.  I don't socialize well and I know there are supportive things I was expected to return to others that I didn't do.  It's not my thing to lie to someone to make them feel better when they sing like they are strangling a cat and chase off the audience.

I'm drowning in emotions and fears everyday.  I'm not always able to push them back inside and they push me into overdrive, leaving me exhausted and wanting to sleep only I cannot sleep, I lay there upset and thinking about that crap and this run-on sentence.

The moral is that even people with severe Bipolar/Depression who live into their 50's still have bad days along with the good.  And often the bad days follow right behind the good one's it's part of my life and I am dealing with it as best I can.  So if you are younger and think you cannot survive with it, you can just look at my crazy butt....J

I think a lot of people often forget one important thing...

I was in the Prius on my way to Mickey D's at 0100 hours for something to fill my tummy and I began to think about something important at least to me... Most people around me often forget that this is the very first time in my entire life where I have only myself to depend including military time where someone was always there to watch over me.

I know it seem simple enough but when you aren't used to living on your own making decisions and your a Bipolar with major depressive states it can be very hard.  Luckily I don't struggle with finances that much anymore since I got my service-connection through the VA.  But there are decisions that I was always used to someone else telling me what to do, either a parent or spouse to make sure I wasn't going to far from safety.

And now I keep falling into deep depressions because I am completely alone, having to cut out most of my family with a few exceptions to protect myself from the way I was treated by those who allegedly loved me.  I probably need another round of ECT but I am not sure they will let me get another one with my other health issues that are going on at the moment from my liver, my kidneys and possibly my colon & esophagus ( the last two from issues in my 20's).

My therapist acts like she's about to dump my depressed butt because I know I don't seem to be trying anymore but I am.  I just can't keep doing things the way I have for so long and not run into issues at some point in my life.  Especially with the way things are currently going on.  

I'm not a leader, I a lost sheep in the herd

Many Manic-Depressives over the years have thought of me as some kind of leader because through it all I have lived somewhat of a life and survived attempts that would normally kill someone.  Don't please for the love of everything you hold don't follow my lead, I am nothing but a lost sheep in the herd.

I wander through life letting others ego's and what-not push me aside as I fight the urge to let the beast out of his cage, to unleash him as one of my exes used to say.  Because when I let him out of his cage bad things happen even to people who are just trying to be there for me.  Even occasionally I hurt myself along the way and when I put him back in his cage, I try so hard to take it out on myself.

In the meantime like so many others, I take it out on myself all of it past & present with little to no exceptions.  And when the nights come when I can't do anything but dream and I spend the night with someone who used to love me I wake up with a rage most could not understand or live with.  And  of course that is part of why I am no longer married because often it was taken out on the nearest source of emotional support.

So whatever you think of me don't follow me, think of me as some kind of representative of what it is like to live with it.  No, I wasn't supposed to live this long according to doctors and yes, I am still here.  That makes me nothing more than someone who has ruined supportive relationships, chased away friends and providers alike that cared for me.  And now, I am all alone inside my mind is a daily struggle to care about anything as the rest of my body's ailing finally catch up with my high-strung manic mind working towards the end of my life that in my opinion cannot come soon enough. 

Before my beast takes away the last few vestiges of support and places to feel safe outside of my home.  Inside he is tearing at my flesh, eating away at what is left of my soul and begging me to join so many others who have gone before me.  Because when under even perceived stress my mind both races and changes mood course so many times in a day it wears me out leaving me to sleep where the dreams tear at me once more.

Lead your own course, don't follow me please for your sake not mine.

A gift really?

Over the last few years when I have told people that in my mid 20's doctors told me I wouldn't likely live past 40 they keep telling me it's a gift.  Really that's funny because a gift if I don't like I it or it doesn't fit quite right I can take it back or give it away.  This is non-returnable after all I am a Manic-Depressive alcoholic who can't drink to make myself sleep days away and have way too much time on my hands alone.

Funny word alone, because even when I am in a room full of supportive people I feel alone.  Because my entire life I have had to depend on myself to stay safe because my boundary and trust issues couldn't be counted on.  Only to have failed me again and again until well...you know either I attempt to harm myself by death or burning.  Neither really ever made me feel better or guilty just hurt and ashamed.

Many people have come and gone from my life over the years most of them left on unfriendly terms because after all by definition a narcissist is an asshole.  Thus as I am a clear narcissist, I am an asshole who pushes people away as I grow older it becomes easier than ever.  I live in a world where I have to hide the real me though I am quite certain most people can see it but because I pretend to hide it they pretend to not see it.

I don't think most people would ever understand that those negative comments about myself hide a deep seeded self-hatred from childhood.  That over the years has only been strengthened by the way others have left my life.  I drain them of their valuable support till they like victims of a vampire bite, they waste away to an emotional death leaving me in their wake.

I am of late facing a fact that as I grow both older and in poorer health that I will be dying alone.  I can't have a "relationship" because even I don't know who or what I want anymore.  After several failed one's all I learned was that my life became theirs and as our relationship failed so did my life.  And how can anyone love me when I can't even love myself?

It's amazing how some people can't understand how easily I can be triggered if emotionally I am worn down.  How one damn TV show can rip a hole in my positive momentum and drag me back into the abyss without much effort.  How I can't keep a better attitude when I walk outside my home and the way people look at me only strengthens that self-image no matter what I do.  

I see an animal as well only the animal I see doesn't want to harm you.  He wants to tear my throat out and watch me die on the pavement as the blood leaves my ugly, deformed body.  I don't have necessarily deformities you can see but I can't miss them each time someone looks at me as if I might harm them if they get to close to me.  It's not as if I was blind I couldn't tell they feel that way my body doesn't miss that energy coming from others ever.  

Which is probably why I am so tired lately because I have been taking it on more and more and want to crawl inside myself waiting for my life to end.  There isn't enough time in a mental ward to vanquish this pain from my mind and certainly there isn't enough drugs to make it go away...

So what the hell do I do with this gift since I cannot give it back?