A gift really?

Over the last few years when I have told people that in my mid 20's doctors told me I wouldn't likely live past 40 they keep telling me it's a gift.  Really that's funny because a gift if I don't like I it or it doesn't fit quite right I can take it back or give it away.  This is non-returnable after all I am a Manic-Depressive alcoholic who can't drink to make myself sleep days away and have way too much time on my hands alone.

Funny word alone, because even when I am in a room full of supportive people I feel alone.  Because my entire life I have had to depend on myself to stay safe because my boundary and trust issues couldn't be counted on.  Only to have failed me again and again until well...you know either I attempt to harm myself by death or burning.  Neither really ever made me feel better or guilty just hurt and ashamed.

Many people have come and gone from my life over the years most of them left on unfriendly terms because after all by definition a narcissist is an asshole.  Thus as I am a clear narcissist, I am an asshole who pushes people away as I grow older it becomes easier than ever.  I live in a world where I have to hide the real me though I am quite certain most people can see it but because I pretend to hide it they pretend to not see it.

I don't think most people would ever understand that those negative comments about myself hide a deep seeded self-hatred from childhood.  That over the years has only been strengthened by the way others have left my life.  I drain them of their valuable support till they like victims of a vampire bite, they waste away to an emotional death leaving me in their wake.

I am of late facing a fact that as I grow both older and in poorer health that I will be dying alone.  I can't have a "relationship" because even I don't know who or what I want anymore.  After several failed one's all I learned was that my life became theirs and as our relationship failed so did my life.  And how can anyone love me when I can't even love myself?

It's amazing how some people can't understand how easily I can be triggered if emotionally I am worn down.  How one damn TV show can rip a hole in my positive momentum and drag me back into the abyss without much effort.  How I can't keep a better attitude when I walk outside my home and the way people look at me only strengthens that self-image no matter what I do.  

I see an animal as well only the animal I see doesn't want to harm you.  He wants to tear my throat out and watch me die on the pavement as the blood leaves my ugly, deformed body.  I don't have necessarily deformities you can see but I can't miss them each time someone looks at me as if I might harm them if they get to close to me.  It's not as if I was blind I couldn't tell they feel that way my body doesn't miss that energy coming from others ever.  

Which is probably why I am so tired lately because I have been taking it on more and more and want to crawl inside myself waiting for my life to end.  There isn't enough time in a mental ward to vanquish this pain from my mind and certainly there isn't enough drugs to make it go away...

So what the hell do I do with this gift since I cannot give it back?