The reasons are simple enough, I tried to kill myself back then several times as well as, tried to drink myself to death. After one attempt several of them got me in a room and talked to me. One in particular was very hard for me, her name was Donna.
Donna with the exception of my girlfriend at the time was my best friend though we didn't spend a lot of time together. When we were around one another we were nearly inseparable we had that many laughs together. I remember having a bit of a crush on her as she was a real stunner though very married and I had was in love myself or at least I thought I was.
One evening after the attempt I was put in a room with Donna and we were left alone to talk about what had happened. By the end of this conversation I was asked to promise something I begged her to not ask me to make. At the time my self hate was on overdrive despite all the good things going on in my life away from my destructive family.
About a year later, I broke that promise winding up locked away in a mental hospital upon my return I went back to my night class. By then she was already ignoring me as I recall wouldn't even make eye contact. But she wasn't the only one many people in the heart of the bible belt were understanding enough before the attempts but when I went through with it that all ended.
Including my relationship at the time because her parents didn't want her near me. I can't blame them but honestly your her parents and wondering why I didn't come to you? How about your her parents and my explanation would have been a laundry list of reasons my Manic-Depressive brain was throwing at me at that time. I had even been sober for a few months before that time.
Keep in mind that my memory isn't what it once was after ECT but there was one thing I won't ever forget. Those people who when my own family was dragging me down for what I seemed incapable of doing they were supportive and caring for me. I let them and myself down by listening to all the negative stuff till I couldn't take it anymore pain.
It was a pain that I cannot describe to you. I hurt from the Army no longer caring for me. I hurt from thoughts that my gf and my male bf were together behind my back (wasn't true). I hurt from trying so hard and seemingly getting nowhere. The mood swings and no meds were wearing me down in a hurry.
One shrink at that time returned me to the drug & alcohol rehab center stating there wasn't anything mentally wrong with me despite my clear description of my symptoms I could recognize well enough through magazine searches & what there was of online searches as this was the early 1990's after all.
But this isn't about him, it's about Donna really because last night she visited me in my dreams. And I was happy to see her but by morning I had once again broken my promise and poof she was gone again. And I won't likely ever see her again before I pass on. And with my health issues bearing down on my mental health issues hopefully I won't be suffering long because it hurts more knowing I broke her heart than does the fact I know one soon enough I won't be here anymore.
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