Sometimes

Sometimes I think even the VA employees forget how screwed up I really am or what I've been through that makes me sometimes act that way.  Yesterday, yet again after I said something I hear the VA employees taking pot shots at me with me 3 feet from them.  The more I thought about it the more it irritated me but I can't do anything because it's one of the only groups I am still allowed to go to for various reasons.

If I blow that one up that means no more music therapy, no more singing and no more belting out like I cannot do at home.  I want to say something but how do you explain that I really can sense what others are thinking and it's not my BIPOLAR DELUSIONS telling me that?  How do I get them to understand that I often stay close to them when I feel insecure in public because often growing up my only protectors were female?

I did fairly well yesterday at the Christmas talent show but I'm struggling with the rest of it.  I don't socialize well and I know there are supportive things I was expected to return to others that I didn't do.  It's not my thing to lie to someone to make them feel better when they sing like they are strangling a cat and chase off the audience.

I'm drowning in emotions and fears everyday.  I'm not always able to push them back inside and they push me into overdrive, leaving me exhausted and wanting to sleep only I cannot sleep, I lay there upset and thinking about that crap and this run-on sentence.

The moral is that even people with severe Bipolar/Depression who live into their 50's still have bad days along with the good.  And often the bad days follow right behind the good one's it's part of my life and I am dealing with it as best I can.  So if you are younger and think you cannot survive with it, you can just look at my crazy butt....J