I have often been asked why not write or blog about your whole life so others can learn from you and hopefully not make similar mistakes or inspire others to keep pushing forward. It’s for two reasons that are hard to explain in one simple sentence you know “a long story, short.”
Growing up it never seemed to matter who I asked for protection or help and after a while I tried to avoid it. And as I got older and my mind was clearly doing it’s own thing I struggled to hide myself inside while putting just about everyone else ahead of my own needs.
When I joined the military and was “Broken Down” during basic it triggered a mass exodus of any hope of fighting them off much more. By the time I hit AIT having already asked once to go home during basic and being talked out of it was ready to run. I made some bad choices and to cover up the real reasons which would have just gotten me pushed out the door with no honor left I lied about my reasonings.
If you weren’t there it can be hard to understand as I soon found out when I got home and confessed to a friend who’s wife knew the person involved unintentionally in the lie that transpired, it cost me the friendship after decades of his understanding based solely on a Christian belief system. He failed to understand why I HAD to chose to do that in the service back then you didn’t show any signs of weakness and going outside the system for mental health help wasn’t an option.
So when they put me on Funeral detail at my first duty station my brain went on its own path leaving my possible career in shambles despite the choice to reenlist rather than going home to face a reality I couldn’t handle either. During the funeral detail duty and I believe I mentioned this before in a blog, I had a nightmare that I had went under a semi-truck and flipped being killed that caused me to call my Mom and wake her up begging to make sure they brought my body home...three days later my cousin was dead, she went under a semi and died.
I was able to go home for the funeral after the Red Cross on my families behalf pushed the Army to let me go. Because first cousins are NOT considered immediate family or at least wasn’t back then thus, you don’t automatically get leave to go home for the funeral.
When I got back I had eight months left of my enlistment contract and there was a push to reenlist early. I talked to an older mentor Master Sgt. about it and I decided it was better than going home and I had no place else to really go after I got out. I upped for Germany and got there and in less than eight more months I was dismanteling winding up getting drunk practically every night, the weekends was a long dark path leading up to a failed attempt at suicide that was more a begging for help.
That cost me dearly as I was put in a small room and forced to have the people in my platoon I worked with watch me 24/7. So every time I rolled over there was someone who didn’t want to be in that room staring back at me. Which led up to my next attempt that was a bit more serious in nature.
A gallon of Jack, five or six long island iced teas, three or four german beers, a couple american beers, shots later I was in my room taking a large bottle of tylenol. I wound up in the ICU having slept for a week, two IV’s in my arms, my arms strapped down. When I woke up an Army Captain Doctor told me I just hadn’t taken enough, dare I say his bedside manner was problematic for his career choice. Then the shrink they had already sent me to earlier, a German conscript who first told to just “Stop Drinking” now offering me an exit from the service.
All of this and I still have to hide my shame and guilt from everyone. I cannot express who I truly am because every time I turn around someone is telling me to basically “SHUT UP” and keep it to myself because their beliefs don’t match my own.
So I keep my mouth shut.
No comments:
Post a Comment