So here I sit at 3 am, at 11:30 pm I was tired and took my meds, turned off the TV and went to bed. I got up at 12:40 am to pee because after all I am an older man despite my baby faced appearance. Anyways after I woke up to pee I was wide awake, groggy but wide awake.
I knew I was in for trouble two weeks ago when I saw a thing about Robin on TV but when it came closer and even Sirius Radio was talking about him again, I was done in. I think I mentioned this before but I share a birthday with the man and also believe that at some point he mentioned having similar mental health issues as well as sensitivities. So here I sit on August 11th at 3 am wide the frick awake thinking about him and me.
Yesterday I hit another hot button trigger when I saw an article from BP Magazine about relationships and how the opposite sex can help you cope with BP. Of course this hit a trigger because my first wife had a miraculous way of keeping me on track and reasonably focused for a Bipolar and I will forever miss her for that reason. She dealt with a great deal of my darker side including a deep depression where I threatened suicide if she didn't take me to the hospital.
As I get older I have devoted myself to staying alive until my body finally gives up on me for the sake of the children I fathered so they are not irreparably harmed by suicide. They don't want anything to do with me but I cannot harm them that way. Unlike Robin who had plenty of money to be given to his kids after his passing if I do that there is no insurance payments from my life insurance and I know that they would likely take it personally as I know I would.
They respond to me as if I am a deadbeat Dad because my kids despite being in their teens now have never really been told what is mentally wrong with their father. Despite having supervised visits while they were growing up because of my Bipolar according to my ex and her family I was never truly sick enough to be unable to provide for my kids and should have been able to find and keep working which I wasn't.
As I am now service connected for my mental illness through the Department of Veterans Affairs I receive a pension and they get a pretty good size chunk of that each month. I haven't spoken to them since the oldest a year ago October decided I should suddenly give her money for a "School trip" though I wasn't given any information and I have no parental rights to those types of things as I am a non-custodial parent due to my Bipolar. When I refused she told me off and I told her to not contact me anymore if she couldn't or wouldn't speak to me with respect as after all I am still her father. Haven't heard from them since.
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