I might be late to the Party but as I finish up the Series Dexter on Showtime I was reminded of why I am better off being alone. Though I am not a serial killer I do seem to destroy others lives who come in contact with me, my family, my kids, I mean my unadultlike behavior could easily by me be argued to have been part of the reason my father died of a bad heart.
For a great part of my adult life my world revolved around how much my parents were able to keep me out of trouble both financially and mentally. Time after time, I was likely living in my car, hopping between friends homes or falling apart because of this or that. Each time my parents insisted on taking me back in mostly to save their reputation as my father couldn’t stand having others find out I was living in my car.
All I can think about right now is how I destroyed his retirement, my kids lives and the long list of people with whom I have made them either fear me or hate me. Until I finally got help from the VA to get on my feet I was dependent and so childlike that I feared even thinking about being alone and caring for myself. And with a parent who treated me like I was still a child who needed to stay in the house in the summer supposedly to make it easier for them to watch while they were ill I was never supposed to grow up until my Dad passed away and they needed someone to take his place doing everything that parent didn’t want to do for themselves.
I don’t like being alone but I have gotten used to it because each and every time I opened up and let someone inside my emotional walls, I become like a emotional vampire sucking them dry. I know I can’t keep doing it but when you live on a rollercoaster inside a small room with a tornado in it, you do what you can to keep going. And that’s entirely the reason I am alone, so I don’t hurt those who want to care for and/or love me.
No comments:
Post a Comment