So yet again, I have failed to skip the episode guaranteed to trigger my mind to speed up and my eyes to eventually tear up within an hour in time. I can relate to the woman who was killed in the episode for reasons many can understand, many more cannot even attempt to comprehend. The chaos, the delusions, the arguing with no one aloud.
Many is the time I was caught talking to myself for decades going back to my childhood. Often I just acted embarrassed but the reality is, you never tell others you talk to yourself unless you are sure they won't contact the authorities. Often I was interacting in a world where no one existed except me. I wasn't crazy, I was successful, I was doing good things with my life. Not the craziness I was actually living in.
I hid inside myself hoping, begging myself to stop but I just couldn't even today I can be found doing it unintentionally about everything. People I see (often women), things I think about become aloud verbal conversations regardless of where I am. Music that triggers pain, anger or frustrations that I am even at my age not strong enough to fight it off.
I hurt people over the years as I struggled to contain what has been going on inside me out of frustration not real anger about them being near me, rather because I wasn't able to be me. I needed to be able to talk to myself, as most of my lifetime I have felt alone no matter if I was "in love" with someone, married to someone, or with family. Too many times my own loved one's didn't understand why I was unable to stop how I verbalized everything, my first wife often got hurt when she heard me say things I didn't really wanted her to hear.
The things I did to myself over the years, the drinking, the branding, the self destruction at jobs, even the suicide attempts were all from one source, the chaos. Even today I fear being locked up if I admit to my mental health providers that I "hear voices" of course most of them are thoughts I have to ensure that I am alive, breathing and in charge of something for even a few moments of my life, at least mentally.
You would have no idea how many times I begged for death to make myself stop but to no avail. I often lied to providers just to keep me from being put on some medications that would muddle my mind. I don't need help frustrating myself and most of those types of medications are a guarantee that the creative side of my mind would likely stop from past experiences with similar meds.
I am not suicidal, just venting because even though I know I shouldn't watch the episode, like a moth to a flame I almost seek it out at least subliminally. I know this to be true because when I purchased that season of NCIS on DVD... It was the first thing I did when I got it home...seek it out.
I'm sorry to those who have loved me or still care about me because no matter how hard I try, I can't stop and I will push people away by any means to keep my chaos in a more verbal way before I hold it in so long, I attempt yet again.
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