Emotional turmoil

Right now at this very moment I am regretting ever agreeing to sing with the guys for the talent show on the 18th because I was not prepared for how I was going to feel without someone behind the scenes to support me emotionally.  A lot of people can say encouraging words to me but there was something to having a significant other back in the day when I performed last that kept my head on straight.

And at this moment my mind is anything but straight, it's winding itself into a begging for God to take me home yet again.  Because when I get to this point I become an emotional vampire begging and needing attention I don't deserve because I'm supposed to be able to do this on my own by now and I can't.  I have not had time to prepare for this part of my life coming back to me and I don't know how to be the emotional support I need.

I'm not used to being there for me, I'm used to me crawling inside and begging for death rather than put myself out there anymore.  Because out there I am vulnerable and open myself up to things I never could deal with, criticism, support and people trying to emotionally connect with me which I never could do no matter how hard I have tried in the past it just feels hollow to me, empty as the glass once you've drank from it.

No amount of positive reinforcement can make me shake the feeling I'm about to humiliate and degrade myself for other amusement and retribution.  I have always been told I wasn't worthy, that what I do is meaningless and unimportant in the grand scheme of life and that was by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally and didn't.  And now I try to soak it up like a sponge and people cannot understand that at nearly 50 years of age I have with the exception of the last few years been my only support for everything emotional and with Bipolar, Depression & PTSD I don't know what is the right thing to do for me.

Putting myself out there leaves me feeling tortured and scarred and wishing I was no longer here.  I know that's not right but I can't seem to help myself, it's a safety zone that is so familiar and safe.  Unlike putting myself out there for others to hear and possibly ridicule, I just don't know how to feel anymore.  My tornado is flowing at 195 and my mind is taking me to depths of fear I don't like feeling but can't fight off anymore.