I am what I like to call a “Technically Disabled” Veteran that is to say that I am qualified for the DAV because other younger Veterans suffer from similar mental health issues that allowed me to even qualify for any kind of treatment let alone my disability compensation.
I am what is known as a Cold War Era Peacetime Veteran, for my service I did nothing but train and act like a soldier till I became so mentally ill that I wound up in the hospital, lost my security clearance and was Honorably Discharged with no real benefits to speak of. The VA wanted nothing to do with me to the point where I stopped even asking for medical help.
Twenty years later, a door opened and I was being pestered by a Vietnam Veteran I grew up around to go ask for at the very least medical help. This was after a door was left open when other young wartime Vets took their own lives and social media demanded action for people like me. I entered the system nearly twenty years to date of my discharge with a ton of guilt and a heavy heart.
All I asked for in the beginning was to make me comfortable till my body finally quit on me. That was in 2009 since I have been in-patient and got more help but nothing can take away that feeling of guilt. I feel guilt for possibly taking another Vets chance of getting treatment and when I am at a Disabled American Veterans meeting I see guys who are missing limbs, blind in one or both eyes, etc... All I am is a peacetime Veteran who was triggered by a funeral detail assignment.
I know I needed the help, I know it likely saved my life what there is of a life but I can’t help but feel as if I am lost wishing I wasn’t alive anymore. No one can possibly understand that feeling. I feel it engrained into my mind and it begs me at almost every social step to give into it without regret. I want to, I really do but I am afraid I will go out without anyone actually missing me. Not the me who could do something for them or give them something but ME.
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