Not like in the movie with Bruce Willis but in my dreams both day and night I can still see and often hear them crying out to me. I wish there was a pill I could take that would just make it all go away.
I see faces of some of the young men I buried on Funeral detail in the Army in the 80's. I see relatives who died while I was young and those I was haunted by after their deaths while and after my service in the Army. At least one of those haunts me to this day for I saw myself die the same way one night in California and a few days later she was gone the same way.
I am left wondering if I was supposed to do something or it was just a punishment for the way I treated her months before while home on leave. I couldn't even take the time to wave at her for both the way I had been treated in the past and the choices she was making for herself were disappointing to me. I admit it I was being judgmental about something I knew little about other than family scuttle butt.
So now I dream of her and many like her over my lifetime as if I am to pay some type of penance for being born. Some don't take me seriously when I say it like I'm just being dramatic and making it up but if they took the time to look deep into my eyes they might actually see I am not. Some days when I see them in my dreams it's happier times and sometimes I punished for hours at a time as it repeats over and over again till my mind is so wound up I don't want to sleep for days.
As it happens I am currently in mid cycle of dreams where I can either sleep for days or can't sleep at all often because of the dreams. I mean would you really enjoy dreaming about dead people with whom you would willingly take their place only to realize that you are going to wake up still Bipolar, still overly-sensitive to exterior environments, still afraid of people especially most men.
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