As I age/Self-Hate Issues

As I get closer to my birthday I start to think about again not celebrating, lying about my age after all I can say I am 30 something despite turning 48.  Some tell me it’s great to look so young of course they are not the one’s who don’t get taken seriously when they something someone my actually age might say.  Rather they look at me oddly as if I have not earned that right to say something about something they think i’m not old enough to know anything about.

I’m so tired, mentally that I wish someone could understand how I really feel not that person I hide behind.  I have tried to express myself to mental health professionals but they just see a Vet who suffers from PTSD (Non-Combat related) & Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder.  I never think anyone really, truly hears what I am trying to say.

I know a lot of people who think they hate having me around when they have no idea how much I agree with them.  They are also the same people who insist that I not attempt to harm myself because I am worth more than that.  Which message do I take in?  Which message do they think I actually believe in the first place?  I believe the one where no one would miss me for more than a week if I was dead. 
I am filled with such self-hate that I often flip myself off in the mirror because I know what I am, an animal someone forgot to have enough compassion for to put me down.  I keep waiting for my body to quit but the damn thing just won’t give up on me.  I am likely going to grow to a ripe old age while looking younger and wishing I had the strength to join my idol, Robin Williams...