I have not served in a combat zone but I am what the VA considers a Dsyfunctional Veteran that suffers from PTSD and Bipolar. I suffer from survivors guilt because I buried guys who wanted to be alive and that led to my self hatred and guilt from just being alive. It started with one nightmare that seemed to never end and has left me feeling unaccepted, guilty and wishing that I never had to discuss it again it would be none to soon.
But that isn't the way things are in real life now is it? I relive it each time someone asks me a question about when I served, where I served and what happened that led to my becoming a service connected Veteran. I have to tell how I watched names of men I knew and many I didn't go down my TV screen in January 1991 and how I begged, that's right begged to go back in with the recruiters telling me as politely as they could, "Thanks but no thanks." After all I was a RE 4 which means the Army wanted nothing to do with me ever again.
I know what drives a man who suffers from the pain and anguish of surviving when others didn't to the point of even contemplating suicide. Although unlike most guys I can cry about someone I never even met when I think of how much I would gladly have taken their place in the ground to give them life again. It would also take my pain away from my guilt, my sensitivities, my bipolar roller coaster with a tornado in a small room with no exit.
I survived several things in life that should have taken mine that doesn't include combat and each time I think about them I feel that much more guilty that I am here and those I cared about are not here anymore when they wanted to be. Each day I hear of someone I know or care about having health issues that threaten their lives and they have no idea how much I would gladly take their pain away if it meant an end to mine.
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