I had to leave the convention early

Some of you may understand what it's like when you have certain sensitivities that you have a hard time being around certain people.  Often you don't understand why you just know from the minute you first see them you need to stay away.  And then you are stuck in a place where you cannot escape them unless basically you run away.

We were at an Indian Casino and yes, I had to do it in order to prevent issues from going any further.  Some people for me just are unbearable to be around at times.  This particular time it was a female and from the moment I first saw her I knew I wasn't going to have a good time if everywhere I turned she was there...and yes that's exactly what happened.  And she could tell there was an issue was as usual thought it was hilarious to torment me everytime I made that face when she got within a my range of view.

I didn't think it was particularly funny considering I was a peacetime Veteran who happens to be disabled in a building filled with COMBAT VETS.  I felt like a shrimp in a room filled to the brim with sharks.

Last night it came to a head at one point and my mind was beating at me for something I have been trying hard to not think about, suicide.  And at one point a guy I had made the acquaintance with reminded me about the Banquet on Saturday night where not only would she be there but likely dressed to the nines.  I couldn't tell if I was repelled because I felt something was eating at her inside mentally or because she is a reminder of what I will never have in my life again, a beautiful woman, a relationship.

So this morning I didn't get up and go into the meetings I was supposed to attend I stayed in my bed.  Woke up at about 11am and began to mentally prepare to leave early.  Packed, put on my Dysfunctional Veteran hat and left as quickly as I was able to do. 

I hate myself for leaving but I was hating myself more for being so upset because I was there where yet again I didn't feel like I belonged.  The thought of turning in my membership card has been eating away at me since I started driving home.  I crossed the bridge (Mackinac) and stopped for something to eat which has led me to this posting I am writing as I sit and eat...