Nothing like staying up after being up too long the night before then going to bed at say 11pm and not waking up the following day at say 6:44pm. The problem then becomes can you go to sleep that night or are you going to lay down tossing and turning for hours. Likely no matter how positively I think about it I am going to toss and turn all night unable to fall asleep.
It was hard to want to get up while I was having a dream where for once I was doing something right in my life, if only in my dreams. I was successfully dodging my Bipolar and serving my country in the Army again. My brothers were there and we were getting along and I wasn't acting all crazy like making up excuses for my behavior.
I hated lying to so many people to cover the fact I didn't know what was happening to me inside. I worked hard to drink and cover up my reasons for outbursts followed by remorseful tears. I even lied about things that happened in my life because back then you didn't tell people you were having mental health issues.
After I had made a poor attempt to slash my wrists they put me in the hospital and made my coworkers watch me, literally. They were in the room where I was lying in a bed crying when I wasn't sleeping for nearly a week. Everytime I rolled over they were sitting looking at me and want to guess what happened next, I started crying again.
When I was discharged from the hospital they sent me back to work with a house arrest kind of punishment, that's right punishment. I could go to work, stay at the barracks and if I was lucky go back to work after hours to give me something to do after all back then there was no game systems to play and the only TV was either in German or military services channel.
But when I went to go back to work hardly anyone would work with me because they were afraid of me. Afraid of me! Like I was going to try again and take them with me, I had no interest in taking anyone out except me. Within a month or so I attempted yet again only this time I overdosed on alcohol and pills.
Ended up sleeping for a week in ICU and when I woke up the same shrink they sent me to after the attempt before who had only told me to stop drinking walked in and offered me nothing more than a "Happy Divorce" while I was still strapped into the bed. He had also mentioned that they took my clearance so I wouldn't be doing my job till I passed another set of checks which would likely take years, after all they didn't like people like me back then because I was showing signs of weakness.
Which brings me back to the dream that naturally I didn't want to wake up from...
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