Asking for help

Growing up I wasn’t likely to ask for help of any kind, I mean who was I supposed to ask?  My parents who often treated me like their free therapist complaining about one another way too often when I was alone with them.  My siblings who acted like I was just another burden laid upon them by my immature parents so I wouldn’t presumably get into trouble. 

My sister was consumed with doing anything but being around me and my brother is well for lack of a better term, my tormentor.  His job was to act like my father and when I didn’t comply with whatever it was he wanted, he would take it out on me physically.  Of course he wouldn’t allow me to be beaten upon by others around us except him.  While older friends of mine were actually my protectors they wouldn’t allow my brother to beat upon me.

But then again hanging out with older people seriously messed up my emotional growth because I would go between being older and being my age at strange points in time they would even collide.  Nothing like having a serious crush on someone who was flirting with you to watch you turn beat red only to watch them actually fall in love with someone else and break your heart.

I think you can begin to see why I call this blog incoherent focus right?  Because I can’t focus and my mind wanders too easily and I ask for help only when I am afraid to extremes.  Because often growing up asking for help would lead to ridicule, to further torment and in some cases even my own teachers leading the treatment.  My senior year a “cousin” who was in my class gave me a nickname I hated and before the end of the year even used it in class when talking to me, he was a nice guy but that part made me dislike him so much.

To this day asking for help scares the living hell out of me to the point I would rather grasp a big bottle of something and never have to do that again.  I know that is no solution but when I was watching Sandra Bullock today in 28 days, brought this topic up yet again.  And as all Bipolar’s know full well any trigger is a trigger that makes my mind go pop...I know this is counterproductive but, “Can someone please make it stop!”