I am a divorced father of three

I am a divorced father of three, a girl and twin boys who are in their teens currently and over the years I had to try hard as a Bipolar person with Borderline Personality Disorder issues of sensitivity to boot to be as good of a father as I could be.  The truth is, I wasn't.

I wasn't there very often when they fell down and when I was most people looked at me like I was some obtrusive idiot who occasionally showed up.  You know when they were all just standing around watching one of them cry and doing nothing.  I walk up, call to my then small child and amazingly they came to me all the while the adults who were doing nothing.

And then as they got older (My kids not the idiots doing nothing) I had to try hard to keep in mind I was there for them and not for me.  Especially when they started saying things like, "Dad if you weren't here we could be doing this with Nanna" or some such statement to that effect.  As I tried to remain calm and not take it personally which by the time I got into the car I was ready to cry like a baby.  After all I didn't beg to borrow money I couldn't pay back and a car I could not afford to fix should something had gone wrong to drive 200 miles round trip just to spend at the end of it four hours a month.

Then I finally gave up to give them what they wanted...the ability to do other things.  And despite all the "Christian Values" being taught in that home the one person they should have been respecting and being understanding of was relegated to being blamed for everything that was wrong in their world.  After all I spent twenty plus years struggling to find and keep a job all the while my mind was not in the mood to deal with existential variables I couldn't control let alone ignore.  Thus, I wasn't most of the time as they were growing up paying anything if at all capable of paying a minute amount.

And I didn't get school pictures, contact or anything else for being the father.  And as soon as I was found out that I had money then the elder child wanted a favor naturally...money for something.  To make a long story short which if you had ever talked to me would know wasn't and isn't easy for me to do...she got upset when I told her I didn't have it to give to her.

And now here I sit in my house with my mental problems and no children around with one hope that someday when I die they will at the very least show up to my funeral at the Veterans Administration National Cemetery in Battle Creek to see their father laid to rest with honors.  Yes I earned an Honorable discharge from the US Army in 1989...the one thing in my life I felt like I did honorably because I knew better than have children for fear I would only hurt them should I make that fateful choice my mind keeps begging for.