Recently the Traveling Wall had appeared at my local VAMC and a friend noted a few days later that I didn't make an appearance. He was curious as to why I opted to not show my condolences to those Veterans who paid the ultimate sacrifice. My reasons were actually for several reasons and most of them would to some just sound like excuses not the reality of what that means to me.
You see I saw the Traveling Wall once before in Grand Rapids Michigan and I was torn up for several months after though I kept most of it to myself at the time. It was and is hard for me with such sensitivities that even walking up to something like that can be emotionally devastating for some time after it has passed. And knowing that because of my mental illness issues causing me to be discharged prior to the First Gulf War I will likely never be honored for anything I've done in my life beyond what has already been arranged as far as my funeral honors that I have been promised by the Veterans Administration.
Let that last sentence sink in a moment, yes it does sound selfish doesn't it but imagine that you worked for several years to prepare for something and then a year or so before it comes to fruition you can't do that anymore for whatever reason, you'd be disappointed too. Wouldn't you? By the time the nightmares started I was certainly willing to die for my country if not begging for the chance to die with some dignity and that likely won't happen for me now.
I can't face that wall of honored men with what little I have done for my country after I how I both failed and was treated at the time by the Army who promised to take care of their own.
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