And sometimes the mental health staff wonder why I don't want to sleep for weeks on end, could it be the bad dreams that are so vivid that when I wake up, I'm in tears? And I am forced to relive it over and over again all night long or stay awake risking a serious relapse. I'd rather take another physical abuse beating at the hand of my older brother than to relive last night's dream once more.
She was beautiful, in love with someone else despite our growing closer together as we hung out together. Only a common theme in my real life and partly why I refuse to try to date again beyond my issues I don't want to put someone through again. They get attached, I get attached and then one way or another the very thing that drew them to me, pushes them away once more.
It's days like this where I wake up in tears that remind me of that very thing and of something else, I am grateful that I am one year closer to the end of my life. Because sooner than later at this point something will finally give me relief from the vivid dreams that make me afraid to go to sleep.
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