The Vietnam Traveling Memorial Wall

Recently the Traveling Wall had appeared at my local VAMC and a friend noted a few days later that I didn't make an appearance.  He was curious as to why I opted to not show my condolences to those Veterans who paid the ultimate sacrifice.  My reasons were actually for several reasons and most of them would to some just sound like excuses not the reality of what that means to me.

You see I saw the Traveling Wall once before in Grand Rapids Michigan and I was torn up for several months after though I kept most of it to myself at the time.  It was and is hard for me with such sensitivities that even walking up to something like that can be emotionally devastating for some time after it has passed.  And knowing that because of my mental illness issues causing me to be discharged prior to the First Gulf War I will likely never be honored for anything I've done in my life beyond what has already been arranged as far as my funeral honors that I have been promised by the Veterans Administration.

Let that last sentence sink in a moment, yes it does sound selfish doesn't it but imagine that you worked for several years to prepare for something and then a year or so before it comes to fruition you can't do that anymore for whatever reason, you'd be disappointed too.  Wouldn't you?  By the time the nightmares started I was certainly willing to die for my country if not begging for the chance to die with some dignity and that likely won't happen for me now.

I can't face that wall of honored men with what little I have done for my country after I how I both failed and was treated at the time by the Army who promised to take care of their own.

Heartbroken Dream

And sometimes the mental health staff wonder why I don't want to sleep for weeks on end, could it be the bad dreams that are so vivid that when I wake up, I'm in tears?  And I am forced to relive it over and over again all night long or stay awake risking a serious relapse.  I'd rather take another physical abuse beating at the hand of my older brother than to relive last night's dream once more.

She was beautiful, in love with someone else despite our growing closer together as we hung out together.  Only a common theme in my real life and partly why I refuse to try to date again beyond my issues I don't want to put someone through again.  They get attached, I get attached and then one way or another the very thing that drew them to me, pushes them away once more.

It's days like this where I wake up in tears that remind me of that very thing and of something else, I am grateful that I am one year closer to the end of my life.  Because sooner than later at this point something will finally give me relief from the vivid dreams that make me afraid to go to sleep.

Sometimes the slightest trigger pisses me off

Sometimes when I get triggered I am the reason and it pisses me off to no end when this crap happens, I get somber at the wrong times like today I have to see my shrink.  I am more likely to say something I shouldn't when this happens and today it was all my dam fault.  I got bored went into my "music room" at home and began to tinker on the keyboard and sing a bit with the karaoke machine.

This started a memory I had been trying hard to avoid for several months and each time it crawls back into my mind I get more depressed than most other times.  You see I gave up on myself and my dreams after years of being beaten down by those who supposedly loved and supported me to the point where I only believed what they said as the "gospel" of me, and I quit.

I gave up everything that made ME happy and smiling about life, Music and Acting.  The only two things I ever seemed to have a natural aptitude for or at least as far as the music was concerned according to others who know about these things I had a "Pure natural set of pipes." And I just let it all go, my dreams, my happiness and now near the end of my existence when most of me seems to be failing I am constantly thinking about that dream that got away...

Bipolar & College Education

I am all too aware of how extremely hard it can be to be dealing with Bipolar and trying to get a higher education at the same time.  I have been down the road that leads to mental breakdowns and then returning to school hoping no one brings it up.  I am also aware of having it cost you a career when your fellow students aren't required to keep what they know about you to themselves when they go out into the working world.

The thing I want to impress on my fellow sufferers who are attending college or thinking about it, you might fall down but it doesn't mean you cannot keep getting back up.  Of course my no quit comes from a military training but that doesn't mean those who haven't served can't keep that same mentality going for them.  After all a fall is not a total loss as if you got your car dented backing into a light pole for instance.  You wouldn't total the car over a dent now would you, so you can't just write off your education and career goals just because you fell down a step or two.

Someone once reminded me...

A therapist once reminded me after I felt like I failed at attempting something while inpatient at my local VAMC for treatment that just because I faltered didn't mean I had actually failed like I was thinking.  Because at the time I was like many who believe that every misstep is a complete failure because we have no gray in between our black & white vision.

I know what it feels like to be making really positive strides in your life only to feel that misstep as a complete and utter falling down of sorts.  The emotional turmoil it can cause can feel totally overwhelming and devastating at times but it is what it is, only a misstep and not the actual end of the world.

Often people who are bipolar and some other mental health survivors take every falter as the end of the world.  Keep going and work through it no matter what your mind is telling you because if someone like me who suffers from PTSD/Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder/Major Clinical Depression and achieve two college degrees, nearly a bachelor degree as well.  I was also in 20+ years of suffering able to survive a cancer scare that did put me into a down spiral but guess what despite my own father in law firing me when I got out of the hospital I survived.

And you can too.

I hate foggy days

It's not what you think it is about driving in a heavy fog that is unless you are thinking about a fog inside your brain.  Because that's what I am talking about when I say I hate foggy days, those days when no matter when you wake up you just can't seem to focus.  Your being given directions and if you are visual like me you are trying to picture it in your mind but you can't.

The frustrations mount up as they keep repeating it to me not realizing that I cannot actually understand what they are telling me.  I wish I could just open my mouth and say to them, "I am sorry but I can't seem to focus on what you are saying at the moment."  But I can't.

The fear of opening up even sometimes to people who know about my mental proclivities might react differently based on the time of day, stress they are under, etc... leaving me afraid to even consider opening my mouth.  Because when my body senses that what they are saying isn't what they really want to say, my mind can find the rage button pretty quickly and often not at the person or persons I want to take it out on.

So I sit and stew on it remembering when I can get a second to focus on it, I hate foggy days.

There is something behind the decision of Suicide

I have often heard people claim that people who choose to commit suicide especially famous people such as my idol, Robin Williams are selfish for making that choice.  I believe they are wrong because it isn't about anyone else except for the fact that we often feel others would be hurt less and be better off without us around do cause this pain.

If you have ever lived with a Bipolar, PTSD, Major Clinical Depression person for an extended period of time you will find it can be frustrating, tiring, emotionally draining not only for you but for the person struggling with it as well.  To maintain any type of relationship when you have that going on inside your mind and you face a world filled with triggers it can feel like everyday is an emotional rollercoaster you cannot get off of.

As the struggle continues inside the idea of maintaining a relationship is catastrophic for some because you know you are hurting someone else and you are seemingly incapable at times of preventing that pain.  Thus the choice becomes a black or white issue for many who suffer as their is no gray area in the mind of many of us.  So we either stay and torture someone else, separate or for some choose to commit suicide to spare them and anyone who might have been involved with in the future.

To this day I have people who worry each and everyday that I might choose that again and cause them to be hurt by my choice.  It doesn't seem to matter how much I tell them I won't do it again, they don't believe me.  I broke several close friends hearts when I broke that promise long ago and now I don't even attempt to make it anymore.  It still hurts to think they won't look at me, talk to me or interact with me in public where safety is pretty much assured because I broke a promise I begged them to not ask me to make in the first place.

There is no way to get past it, get over it or move on from it, it will always be there in the back of the mind calling you to the darkened abyss it brings.  There is no need for guilt and shame to try to keep someone from making that choice, it only adds weight to an already struggling back trying to get the monkey known as suicide off their backs.

So the next time you shame or guilt someone who has attempted and failed, or who mentions they have been having those thoughts keep in mind there is something behind the decision you may never understand or have the ability to do so.  It is not about religious beliefs or fear of hurting someone else it is about the pain they are feeling that won't go away and like a heavy winter blanket it is suffocating them, they can't get out from under it no matter who tries to help them.