I'm one of those unlucky people who didn't stay in touch with friends from college

The reasons are simple enough, I tried to kill myself back then several times as well as, tried to drink myself to death.  After one attempt several of them got me in a room and talked to me.  One in particular was very hard for me, her name was Donna.

Donna with the exception of my girlfriend at the time was my best friend though we didn't spend a lot of time together.  When we were around one another we were nearly inseparable we had that many laughs together.  I remember having a bit of a crush on her as she was a real stunner though very married and I had was in love myself or at least I thought I was.

One evening after the attempt I was put in a room with Donna and we were left alone to talk about what had happened.  By the end of this conversation I was asked to promise something I begged her to not ask me to make.  At the time my self hate was on overdrive despite all the good things going on in my life away from my destructive family.

About a year later, I broke that promise winding up locked away in a mental hospital upon my return I went back to my night class.  By then she was already ignoring me as I recall wouldn't even make eye contact.  But she wasn't the only one many people in the heart of the bible belt were understanding enough before the attempts but when I went through with it that all ended.

Including my relationship at the time because her parents didn't want her near me.  I can't blame them but honestly your her parents and wondering why I didn't come to you?  How about your her parents and my explanation would have been a laundry list of reasons my Manic-Depressive brain was throwing at me at that time.  I had even been sober for a few months before that time.

Keep in mind that my memory isn't what it once was after ECT but there was one thing I won't ever forget.  Those people who when my own family was dragging me down for what I seemed incapable of doing they were supportive and caring for me.  I let them and myself down by listening to all the negative stuff till I couldn't take it anymore pain.

It was a pain that I cannot describe to you.  I hurt from the Army no longer caring for me. I hurt from thoughts that my gf and my male bf were together behind my back (wasn't true).  I hurt from trying so hard and seemingly getting nowhere.  The mood swings and no meds were wearing me down in a hurry.

One shrink at that time returned me to the drug & alcohol rehab center stating there wasn't anything mentally wrong with me despite my clear description of my symptoms I could recognize well enough through magazine searches & what there was of online searches as this was the early 1990's after all.

But this isn't about him, it's about Donna really because last night she visited me in my dreams.  And I was happy to see her but by morning I had once again broken my promise and poof she was gone again.  And I won't likely ever see her again before I pass on.  And with my health issues bearing down on my mental health issues hopefully I won't be suffering long because it hurts more knowing I broke her heart than does the fact I know one soon enough I won't be here anymore.

Sometimes the slightest trigger pisses me off

Sometimes when I get triggered I am the reason and it pisses me off to no end when this crap happens, I get somber at the wrong times like today I have to see my shrink.  I am more likely to say something I shouldn't when this happens and today it was all my dam fault.  I got bored went into my "music room" at home and began to tinker on the keyboard and sing a bit with the karaoke machine.

This started a memory I had been trying hard to avoid for several months and each time it crawls back into my mind I get more depressed than most other times.  You see I gave up on myself and my dreams after years of being beaten down by those who supposedly loved and supported me to the point where I only believed what they said as the "gospel" of me, and I quit.

I gave up everything that made ME happy and smiling about life, Music and Acting.  The only two things I ever seemed to have a natural aptitude for or at least as far as the music was concerned according to others who know about these things I had a "Pure natural set of pipes." And I just let it all go, my dreams, my happiness and now near the end of my existence when most of me seems to be failing I am constantly thinking about that dream that got away...

Waking up at 6 something PM...

Nothing like staying up after being up too long the night before then going to bed at say 11pm and not waking up the following day at say 6:44pm.  The problem then becomes can you go to sleep that night or are you going to lay down tossing and turning for hours.  Likely no matter how positively I think about it I am going to toss and turn all night unable to fall asleep.

It was hard to want to get up while I was having a dream where for once I was doing something right in my life, if only in my dreams.  I was successfully dodging my Bipolar and serving my country in the Army again.  My brothers were there and we were getting along and I wasn't acting all crazy like making up excuses for my behavior.

I hated lying to so many people to cover the fact I didn't know what was happening to me inside.  I worked hard to drink and cover up my reasons for outbursts followed by remorseful tears.  I even lied about things that happened in my life because back then you didn't tell people you were having mental health issues.

After I had made a poor attempt to slash my wrists they put me in the hospital and made my coworkers watch me, literally. They were in the room where I was lying in a bed crying when I wasn't sleeping for nearly a week.  Everytime I rolled over they were sitting looking at me and want to guess what happened next, I started crying again.

When I was discharged from the hospital they sent me back to work with a house arrest kind of punishment, that's right punishment.  I could go to work, stay at the barracks and if I was lucky go back to work after hours to give me something to do after all back then there was no game systems to play and the only TV was either in German or military services channel.

But when I went to go back to work hardly anyone would work with me because they were afraid of me.  Afraid of me!  Like I was going to try again and take them with me, I had no interest in taking anyone out except me.  Within a month or so I attempted yet again only this time I overdosed on alcohol and pills.

Ended up sleeping for a week in ICU and when I woke up the same shrink they sent me to after the attempt before who had only told me to stop drinking walked in and offered me nothing more than a "Happy Divorce" while I was still strapped into the bed.  He had also mentioned that they took my clearance so I wouldn't be doing my job till I passed another set of checks which would likely take years, after all they didn't like people like me back then because I was showing signs of weakness.

Which brings me back to the dream that naturally I didn't want to wake up from...

The sleep deprived and a constant ringing from no one

This time of the year my sleep is off and on at best, at worst I don't sleep for days, sometimes weeks at a time.  Last night I was trying to sleep and someone from the Grand Rapids, MI area kept calling me repeatedly refusing to leave a message for the second day in a row only this time it seemed like they were calling every hour for three or four hours.

Even going so far as using a different number on the second day but still it kept ringing in my ears to the point where every time I came out of REM sleep my mind wondered who it was and what the hell was so important they had to keep trying my number over and over.  By 11pm I was now wide awake and thinking about the number(s) which when I searched online found nothing to tell me who it was other than it was a landline. 

If for some reason it's a creditor they aren't going to warm themselves to the idea of me paying them when they keep calling me like that.  I don't like my sleep disturbed because as a Bipolar with Sleep Apnea, sleep is a hard thing to come by at times.  And lately with other things going on I don't need the aggravation this is causing me. 

And what is with the no longer being able to legitimately search for phone number information without someone trying to get their hand in my pocket?  Why must we pay for information for businesses that are harassing us when we go to find out who they are in order to stop them from going that far?  With phone calls refusing to even leave a message when they insist on calling hour after hour into the early evening?

It is funny how one night of no sleep...

Can create an avalanche effect inside of me, I am tired but can't sleep.
I see my therapist who triggers me unintentionally by asking the simplest of questions at the end of our session.
I go for nights without real sleep that I so badly need despite having taken my medication.
I dream of things from my past that haunt me to this day. 
Mixed into those dreams are people from my past some of whom I could only wish to go a day without thinking about them.
My guilt feels so overwhelming at these points in time because the lack of sleep causing my mind to drift into the dark abyss of my depression causing me to wish for the one thing I fear may never come, the end of me.
Those I no longer want to think about are in my mind because they died before it was their time all the while I was begging for it to be my time to go, for decades since I buried brothers my age in the Army.

I saw, I flirted, I drooled

I know it's likely this person who was in my eyes beautiful and I loved her long flowing hair was just flirting to sell me a satellite dish package but I was intrigued by her.  She kept flirting with her hair and as I tried to ignore it I wasn't able too.

I kept flirting even when she noticed my ring on my left hand which looks like a wedding band and yet I caught myself saying aloud to her as I took it off..."I bought it for my other hand but it wouldn't fit over the knuckle, I'm not married" handing it to her to look at.

I admit it I was smitten but that's about it, that lust filled in heat mind was working on overdrive because she was giving me the one thing I cannot resist in a woman.  She was flirting and presenting me with something that no matter what I did I couldn't avoid.

I am one of those sick bastards who are lonely enough to post in the missed connection section on Cragislist knowing full well she's not likely to answer.  At most I will likely get a response from some spammer or her bf telling me to take the posting down immediately.

Medication, sex drive and sleep

Ever wake up wound up like a top because you were dreaming for an hour or so that kept spinning round and round till you woke  up.  Then you realize that at some point your body decided it is truly in need of the one thing as a Bipolar you often don't get, sex.  I know this can of course fluctuate depending on your looks, area of opportunity, gender preferences, and willing partners of course even in a manic state we would never take by force something someone is not truly willing to give us on their own no matter what.

And for some of us there is a particular part of our preferred sexual partners that shall we say really turns us on.  Same as for most men or women just sometimes this particular part of my turn on's can get out of hand and often affects a great deal of my social anxiety.  I find it particularly hard to be around those who have this particular trait when I am or even when I am not what a former partner used to call "in heat."

I often cannot stop from staring almost like a crazy person without even realizing a lot of times I am doing it.  And because of this I find myself hiding in my home acting like a mole or hermit wishing I was blinded so I cannot even see it anymore.  And when you even dream about it and try to ignore it but seemingly cannot there isn't enough medication to eliminate this trait that I have no idea is part of my mental disorders or something I grew up to with.  Although I do have a past where women when I was very young would often tease me with this particular part of themselves as if my turning three shades of red were hilarious.

Which leads to my other issue that suddenly I hit a certain age and was no longer as cute apparently which led to my being the guy most women were immune to my charms anymore.