Manic, depressed and a day I hope won't come

Here I sit on Saturday night nearly Sunday already and I am manic and depressed already about Thursday the 18th.  As we get closer I am so obviously reminded why I stop wanting to go on-stage before an audience.  My mind is on overdrive and I want desperately to make it all stop.

But weeks ago when I failed to get through to the other guys that I didn’t want to do this for the talent show.  It was yet another failure to stand up successfully for myself and not do something I would rather not do for someone else.  What I want for them is NOT what I necessarily what I want for me.  But that no longer seems to matter.

And last Thursday it became apparent to me that I wasn’t prepared for this part of being completely on my own.  No one can give me the support I had way back in the day anymore and I can’t seem to find it in myself enough to keep myself focused and out of trouble.  I have already alienated the two women who run the music therapy and I’m afraid I won’t be able to even go much longer due to that.  If only I could explain that I am not doing it on purpose, I just can’t seem to stop the automatic response to stress i.e. my over need for attention and support.

I have not had a normal life by any stretch of the imagination and don’t want to be laughed at when I get up on stage because not everyone will be able to look past my appearance and odd behavior to hear what I sound like.  I won't be able to achieve the respect the other guys will get and I already know that before the day comes.  Because at times I’m not even getting it from them when I start acting out.  Again, I am not doing it on purpose but the stress brings it out of me in ways I can’t seem to fight off.

And so here I sit on my bed, wide awake, dope sleep ( from my sleep meds) and wishing when and if I get to sleep I don’t wake up.  So I can put everyone else out of my misery knowing full well that no matter what I do it won’t likely happen for me (not to me).

Why I don't blog more or write a book about my experiences...

I have often been asked why not write or blog about your whole life so others can learn from you and hopefully not make similar mistakes or inspire others to keep pushing forward.  It’s for two reasons that are hard to explain in one simple sentence you know “a long story, short.”

Growing up it never seemed to matter who I asked for protection or help and after a while I tried to avoid it.  And as I got older and my mind was clearly doing it’s own thing I struggled to hide myself inside while putting just about everyone else ahead of my own needs.

When I joined the military and was “Broken Down” during basic it triggered a mass exodus of any hope of fighting them off much more.  By the time I hit AIT having already asked once to go home during basic and being talked out of it was ready to run.  I made some bad choices and to cover up the real reasons which would have just gotten me pushed out the door with no honor left I lied about my reasonings.

If you weren’t there it can be hard to understand as I soon found out when I got home and confessed to a friend who’s wife knew the person involved unintentionally in the lie that transpired, it cost me the friendship after decades of his understanding based solely on a Christian belief system.  He failed to understand why I HAD to chose to do that in the service back then you didn’t show any signs of weakness and going outside the system for mental health help wasn’t an option.

So when they put me on Funeral detail at my first duty station my brain went on its own path leaving my possible career in shambles despite the choice to reenlist rather than going home to face a reality I couldn’t handle either.  During the funeral detail duty and I believe I mentioned this before in a blog, I had a nightmare that I had went under a semi-truck and flipped being killed that caused me to call my Mom and wake her up begging to make sure they brought my body home...three days later my cousin was dead, she went under a semi and died.

I was able to go home for the funeral after the Red Cross on my families behalf pushed the Army to let me go.  Because first cousins are NOT considered immediate family or at least wasn’t back then thus, you don’t automatically get leave to go home for the funeral.

When I got back I had eight months left of my enlistment contract and there was a push to reenlist early.  I talked to an older mentor Master Sgt. about it and I decided it was better than going home and I had no place else to really go after I got out.  I upped for Germany and got there and in less than eight more months I was dismanteling winding up getting drunk practically every night, the weekends was a long dark path leading up to a failed attempt at suicide that was more a begging for help. 

That cost me dearly as I was put in a small room and forced to have the people in my platoon I worked with watch me 24/7.  So every time I rolled over there was someone who didn’t want to be in that room staring back at me.  Which led up to my next attempt that was a bit more serious in nature.

A gallon of Jack, five or six long island iced teas, three or four german beers, a couple american beers, shots later I was in my room taking a large bottle of  tylenol.  I wound up in the ICU having slept for a week, two IV’s in my arms, my arms strapped down.  When I woke up an Army Captain Doctor told me I just hadn’t taken enough, dare I say his bedside manner was problematic for his career choice.  Then the shrink they had already sent me to earlier, a German conscript who first told to just “Stop Drinking” now offering me an exit from the service.

All of this and I still have to hide my shame and guilt from everyone.  I cannot express who I truly am because every time I turn around someone is telling me to basically “SHUT UP” and keep it to myself because their beliefs don’t match my own.

So I keep my mouth shut.

I may have finally found the end of my road

As this week draws to a close I am yet one step closer to the possible end of my road as recently I went into the hospital for shortness of breath and lightheaded and found out that my kidney's are struggling along though sadly my heart appears unwillingly to give up just yet.  I have acquired an extra beat like so many men in my family have but still....

The VA wasn't thrilled that I hadn't gone to Urgent Care but as anyone within the VA system knows if you have a mental health background you are likely to be treated like you are having a mental health issue and less like a medical one.  I didn't want another trip to the mental ward because they acted prematurely to "air on the side of caution".  I didn't need to be on suicide watch I really wasn't feeling well but likely would have been treated differently had I gone there instead of showing up at a therapy group like I chose to do.

So I spent the night in a local hospital on oxygen with an IV in my arm to rehydrate me but it looks like this might not be helping as my body is expressing fluids faster than I appear to be able to drink them in.  They even took me off several of my blood pressure meds to help me along at least temporarily but they didn't sound too happy when they called the next day and I was experiencing similar symptoms still.  Reiterating the medications to stop taking although I had followed their medical advice and stopped them as requested.

So here I sit, Bike in the driveway unable to feel well enough to get my so needed therapy for fear I might become too dizzy to drive causing bodily harm to me or someone else.

Medication, sex drive and sleep

Ever wake up wound up like a top because you were dreaming for an hour or so that kept spinning round and round till you woke  up.  Then you realize that at some point your body decided it is truly in need of the one thing as a Bipolar you often don't get, sex.  I know this can of course fluctuate depending on your looks, area of opportunity, gender preferences, and willing partners of course even in a manic state we would never take by force something someone is not truly willing to give us on their own no matter what.

And for some of us there is a particular part of our preferred sexual partners that shall we say really turns us on.  Same as for most men or women just sometimes this particular part of my turn on's can get out of hand and often affects a great deal of my social anxiety.  I find it particularly hard to be around those who have this particular trait when I am or even when I am not what a former partner used to call "in heat."

I often cannot stop from staring almost like a crazy person without even realizing a lot of times I am doing it.  And because of this I find myself hiding in my home acting like a mole or hermit wishing I was blinded so I cannot even see it anymore.  And when you even dream about it and try to ignore it but seemingly cannot there isn't enough medication to eliminate this trait that I have no idea is part of my mental disorders or something I grew up to with.  Although I do have a past where women when I was very young would often tease me with this particular part of themselves as if my turning three shades of red were hilarious.

Which leads to my other issue that suddenly I hit a certain age and was no longer as cute apparently which led to my being the guy most women were immune to my charms anymore.