It can be hard to comprehend

It can be hard to comprehend how much I would rather be laid to rest with my Brothers than here.  I should have been with them January 1991 but due to my mental faculties getting triggered and costing me my military career in 1989.

Don't think for one minute I wasn't at the recruiter begging to be let back in that year repeatedly because I was.  My girlfriend at the time was upset because she knew I was doing it despite her begging me to not go and ask to go back in.

By the time they wanted me back I was in my mid to late 40's and too many health issues to even consider going back anymore.  If they told me I wouldn't have had to do basic over I might have gone.

Funeral detail messed my head up and I still wish they were doing mine tomorrow.  My regular doc at the VA wasn't exactly supportive but did suggest I see my therapist soon after I told her I wouldn't be upset if my body quit when my Blood pressure is in stroke levels all the time.

I don't fear death, I fear being disrespected, I fear no one caring that I am gone, I fear being laid to rest and the only people there are the Honor Guard and the preacher.

I have pushed so many people away because I really fear causing their death by just being near me.  So many people have paid the price with their lives because I have longed for mine for most of my life.  I feel like it's all my fault that my cousin died when I had the nightmare of dying the same way just three days before.  That night I called home and woke my Mom up to beg her to make sure I was brought home to be laid to rest.

I stood in my Dress Uniform at her funeral as if I was on another Funeral detail.  I didn't want to leave her side.  Just a few months before that day I was home on leave and ignored her because she had been running with the druggies in town again.  It was the last time I saw her alive.  To this day I wish it had been me.

I'm tired of people paying my price.  I have been told I'm going to hell.  All I can say is I'm already there.