Honestly I haven't had much to say or express so I have not been writing obviously despite my belief that someone might actually care what I say. I know there is younger suicide survivors who might be in need of positive support and when I'm not in that mood I just can't. When I am not writing it is best to think that despite being a Suicide attempt survivor I am out enjoying my life, because that is what I am likely doing.
I have bought a different Motorcycle/Scooter earlier this year and since I have gotten my motorcycle operator permit for my state and have been able to ride. I have to say it's not for everyone but for me I get off that bike and my head feels so clear and quiet if only for a few hours...it's like being a Bipolar Heaven...
If you are struggling, keep in mind at your age that there is someone out there that managed to live as long as I have with thoughts of suicide riding my back too. I am turning 49 this summer so if you think in your twenties you can't make it through the tough times of the dark thoughts, think again.
Keep your head up, your ability to fight through it shows you have inner strength you may not even be aware of. A mistake is not the end of the world for you it is merely a mistake no matter how hard it feels like a reason to attempt again.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Some days
Some days when I wake up my heart aches and I feel a pain I cannot explain as it isn't physical in nature but rather is emotional pain. It tears at my soul trying to stop my heart from beating anymore. I can only hope that one day when I am older not near 50 like I am now but in my true elder years it will stop hurting so much.
You see there is a spot in me that feels others pain not just my own and when they are hurting it burns deep into me like nothing I have ever felt before. From a young boy it seemed I couldn't escape that feeling that others pain was mine to bare whether I liked it or not. As I grew I watched those I loved who were a lot older suffer and pass on eventually and it left an indelible mark on me.
And now that I'm older I feel my time coming for that pain with a hope that when that time comes, I will no longer bare others as well because it may just be too much for my body to handle. Since I have had health issues most of my adult life that most people don't feel or see until they are in the late to middle 40's I had in my mid 20's.
To watch friends and family being hurt emotionally for me over the years has left me scarred and bruised inside. I know it's a perception but as I have said, for me since I was a little boy, it seemed my job to take their pain on. From when my parents fought and I was alone with one or the other they used my quiet nature to air their grievances about one another. To my Grandma's pain reminding them about how I look like my Grandfather's at least in their eyes, one passed the year I was born and the other the next year.
I just always imagined how much it must pain them to keep seeing me around but at least one of them as I got older didn't seem to dislike me for it. She went out of her way to make me feel loved and cared for when most treated me badly. I could always feel their pain but couldn't seem to take enough of it to ease the loss of their loved one I never really knew.
Why do I feel it still you might ask me if you could, I just cannot explain it. But as people poured their private fears upon me as my quiet shy nature seemed to beg them to let it out I was too quiet to ask them to stop. From childhood through the Army, college and even now at times some take it as a sign to let it out. And sometimes when I get them alone I feel impelled to ask because I can just sense something not right about them, I can't help myself.
Some people call it a gift but if they had to deal with all that pain people try to hide inside from others they might just understand that this gift isn't a good thing when you can't take it on and then let it go. I take it inside trying to release them from their pain so they can go on with their life as I slowly die inside. And the number of times I seem to have cheated death in my real life begs the question of whatever God their might be...Is this what I am meant to do? Is there more I can do before I die? Are my words of poetry enough to keep someone else from hurting themselves? Do I have to sacrifice my entire soul before I leave this world?
You see there is a spot in me that feels others pain not just my own and when they are hurting it burns deep into me like nothing I have ever felt before. From a young boy it seemed I couldn't escape that feeling that others pain was mine to bare whether I liked it or not. As I grew I watched those I loved who were a lot older suffer and pass on eventually and it left an indelible mark on me.
And now that I'm older I feel my time coming for that pain with a hope that when that time comes, I will no longer bare others as well because it may just be too much for my body to handle. Since I have had health issues most of my adult life that most people don't feel or see until they are in the late to middle 40's I had in my mid 20's.
To watch friends and family being hurt emotionally for me over the years has left me scarred and bruised inside. I know it's a perception but as I have said, for me since I was a little boy, it seemed my job to take their pain on. From when my parents fought and I was alone with one or the other they used my quiet nature to air their grievances about one another. To my Grandma's pain reminding them about how I look like my Grandfather's at least in their eyes, one passed the year I was born and the other the next year.
I just always imagined how much it must pain them to keep seeing me around but at least one of them as I got older didn't seem to dislike me for it. She went out of her way to make me feel loved and cared for when most treated me badly. I could always feel their pain but couldn't seem to take enough of it to ease the loss of their loved one I never really knew.
Why do I feel it still you might ask me if you could, I just cannot explain it. But as people poured their private fears upon me as my quiet shy nature seemed to beg them to let it out I was too quiet to ask them to stop. From childhood through the Army, college and even now at times some take it as a sign to let it out. And sometimes when I get them alone I feel impelled to ask because I can just sense something not right about them, I can't help myself.
Some people call it a gift but if they had to deal with all that pain people try to hide inside from others they might just understand that this gift isn't a good thing when you can't take it on and then let it go. I take it inside trying to release them from their pain so they can go on with their life as I slowly die inside. And the number of times I seem to have cheated death in my real life begs the question of whatever God their might be...Is this what I am meant to do? Is there more I can do before I die? Are my words of poetry enough to keep someone else from hurting themselves? Do I have to sacrifice my entire soul before I leave this world?
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
I needed to be around the Music
Yesterday, I went to Music Therapy even though I had sworn I wouldn't go as long as that guy was there but at least he didn't get what he wanted from me. I sang when I wanted and only long enough to help another Veteran get the feel of the song then I stopped.
What he said is unforgivable when he failed to really apologize for what he said and I hate myself still for letting him get to me but having grown up around a "Green Beret" from the Vietnam era I couldn't let it go and still cannot. But the need to be near the music and get it out is so strong once the door was opened I knew I wouldn't be able to close it again, not that I really want to anyway.
The one thing in this world that could have kept me sane for twenty years I gave up for everyone else around me for the most part, I certainly wasn't performing on-stage anymore. But I need that rush, that sensation is calling to me with such a demand it hurts me deep inside to hold it back. I guess that 's why any chance over the years I have had to sing for girlfriends or my kids when they were babies was taken advantage of.
Please don't let anyone stifle your creative need as long as your creative need doesn't hurt someone else, let it go.
What he said is unforgivable when he failed to really apologize for what he said and I hate myself still for letting him get to me but having grown up around a "Green Beret" from the Vietnam era I couldn't let it go and still cannot. But the need to be near the music and get it out is so strong once the door was opened I knew I wouldn't be able to close it again, not that I really want to anyway.
The one thing in this world that could have kept me sane for twenty years I gave up for everyone else around me for the most part, I certainly wasn't performing on-stage anymore. But I need that rush, that sensation is calling to me with such a demand it hurts me deep inside to hold it back. I guess that 's why any chance over the years I have had to sing for girlfriends or my kids when they were babies was taken advantage of.
Please don't let anyone stifle your creative need as long as your creative need doesn't hurt someone else, let it go.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
I let someone take something from me and I hate myself
It's Thursday morning and I am already regretting thinking about going back to music therapy. Because Tuesday afternoon at therapy I let another Veteran take something from me and I hate myself for letting it happen. Just because he didn't want to do a song for our next show on the 29th.
We wanted to the "Ballad of the Green Berets" and he being a Marine didn't want to. So he was mocking the lyrics and I let something he did get to me. Despite everything I am, everything I believe in and everything I want to become it ate at me.
My second "Dad" was a Green Beret and to do anything that tarnished what he had been through in Vietnam wasn't going to sit well with me. That man had put himself between me and harms way when I was 13 without a second thought.
To this day I can go to him when I'm hurting and need to get it out without judgement though I can feel the fear in him that one day he will get a call, the call, the one that say's I took my life. And it hurts.
And then this guy, this Marine did something to disrespectful all because he didn't want to do the song. And who do I blame? Me. Always me.
It reminds me how much I can't keep a promise that I will never attempt again, or that I will always come to him when I'm hurting inside. How do I go to him with this one? How do I say to him, "this guy made fun of what you are and I did nothing."?
How do I look him in the eye after he protected me without a thought and I did nothing to honor his courage, his efforts, his Green Beret?
We wanted to the "Ballad of the Green Berets" and he being a Marine didn't want to. So he was mocking the lyrics and I let something he did get to me. Despite everything I am, everything I believe in and everything I want to become it ate at me.
My second "Dad" was a Green Beret and to do anything that tarnished what he had been through in Vietnam wasn't going to sit well with me. That man had put himself between me and harms way when I was 13 without a second thought.
To this day I can go to him when I'm hurting and need to get it out without judgement though I can feel the fear in him that one day he will get a call, the call, the one that say's I took my life. And it hurts.
And then this guy, this Marine did something to disrespectful all because he didn't want to do the song. And who do I blame? Me. Always me.
It reminds me how much I can't keep a promise that I will never attempt again, or that I will always come to him when I'm hurting inside. How do I go to him with this one? How do I say to him, "this guy made fun of what you are and I did nothing."?
How do I look him in the eye after he protected me without a thought and I did nothing to honor his courage, his efforts, his Green Beret?
Friday, February 19, 2016
I SANG LIVE YESTERDAY AND IT ROCKED!
Yesterday I did the Department of Veterans Affairs Talent Show for my entries into the National Creative Arts Festival for Veterans obviously. I haven't sang in front of a live audience with a band or choir in over 20 years now. I was a nervous wreck but once I got on stage thankfully my overly-sensitive body was gaining strength from the guys that were with me that weren't nervous and I settled down pretty well.
We rocked some Lynnrd Skynnrd, I sang a Garth Brooks song that I've been singing since I first heard it and after the show was over I got to jam with some truly talented musicians who were both supportive and helpful. It wasn't like back in the day when my own family might show up but then make fun of whatever I was doing. It felt so good to get some of my old life back from before the Bipolar took hold and I gave into pressure to stop doing what I wanted to do. Doing instead what everyone else said I should because I was so weak from the Tornado kicking my butt all the time.
And today I got in a ride on my new 150cc Scooter, my head is so clear right now I'm not blowing like the wind is outside my front door of MY Home.
If you know someone who is in their twenties and suffering from a mental illness feel free to use me as an example because despite all the medical & mental setbacks with a little help from the Dept. Of Veteran Affairs finally I'm doing it all on my own. I have a car, my own home and I'm not behind on my bills to this date. I was not expected to see 40 years of age with my health/mental health issues this year I turn 49!
I've been on welfare, I've been locked up in a locked ward for 30 days, I've lived in adult foster care before I know how hard it is to hold your head when it's one reason or another you feel like giving up. Hell, last week I was there again due to the stress over the live show. And I'm still here breathing, talking and trying very hard to let go of the guilt and shame to live my life.
Not a positive life but a life. Because as they often remind me there is no perfect life, you make the best of it you can trying everyday to find something be grateful for, something to strive for, something to love when you look in the mirror.
A mistake is not an end of your world, it's just a mistake.
We rocked some Lynnrd Skynnrd, I sang a Garth Brooks song that I've been singing since I first heard it and after the show was over I got to jam with some truly talented musicians who were both supportive and helpful. It wasn't like back in the day when my own family might show up but then make fun of whatever I was doing. It felt so good to get some of my old life back from before the Bipolar took hold and I gave into pressure to stop doing what I wanted to do. Doing instead what everyone else said I should because I was so weak from the Tornado kicking my butt all the time.
And today I got in a ride on my new 150cc Scooter, my head is so clear right now I'm not blowing like the wind is outside my front door of MY Home.
If you know someone who is in their twenties and suffering from a mental illness feel free to use me as an example because despite all the medical & mental setbacks with a little help from the Dept. Of Veteran Affairs finally I'm doing it all on my own. I have a car, my own home and I'm not behind on my bills to this date. I was not expected to see 40 years of age with my health/mental health issues this year I turn 49!
I've been on welfare, I've been locked up in a locked ward for 30 days, I've lived in adult foster care before I know how hard it is to hold your head when it's one reason or another you feel like giving up. Hell, last week I was there again due to the stress over the live show. And I'm still here breathing, talking and trying very hard to let go of the guilt and shame to live my life.
Not a positive life but a life. Because as they often remind me there is no perfect life, you make the best of it you can trying everyday to find something be grateful for, something to strive for, something to love when you look in the mirror.
A mistake is not an end of your world, it's just a mistake.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Manic, depressed and a day I hope won't come
Here I sit on Saturday night nearly Sunday already and I am manic and depressed already about Thursday the 18th. As we get closer I am so obviously reminded why I stop wanting to go on-stage before an audience. My mind is on overdrive and I want desperately to make it all stop.
But weeks ago when I failed to get through to the other guys that I didn’t want to do this for the talent show. It was yet another failure to stand up successfully for myself and not do something I would rather not do for someone else. What I want for them is NOT what I necessarily what I want for me. But that no longer seems to matter.
And last Thursday it became apparent to me that I wasn’t prepared for this part of being completely on my own. No one can give me the support I had way back in the day anymore and I can’t seem to find it in myself enough to keep myself focused and out of trouble. I have already alienated the two women who run the music therapy and I’m afraid I won’t be able to even go much longer due to that. If only I could explain that I am not doing it on purpose, I just can’t seem to stop the automatic response to stress i.e. my over need for attention and support.
I have not had a normal life by any stretch of the imagination and don’t want to be laughed at when I get up on stage because not everyone will be able to look past my appearance and odd behavior to hear what I sound like. I won't be able to achieve the respect the other guys will get and I already know that before the day comes. Because at times I’m not even getting it from them when I start acting out. Again, I am not doing it on purpose but the stress brings it out of me in ways I can’t seem to fight off.
And so here I sit on my bed, wide awake, dope sleep ( from my sleep meds) and wishing when and if I get to sleep I don’t wake up. So I can put everyone else out of my misery knowing full well that no matter what I do it won’t likely happen for me (not to me).
But weeks ago when I failed to get through to the other guys that I didn’t want to do this for the talent show. It was yet another failure to stand up successfully for myself and not do something I would rather not do for someone else. What I want for them is NOT what I necessarily what I want for me. But that no longer seems to matter.
And last Thursday it became apparent to me that I wasn’t prepared for this part of being completely on my own. No one can give me the support I had way back in the day anymore and I can’t seem to find it in myself enough to keep myself focused and out of trouble. I have already alienated the two women who run the music therapy and I’m afraid I won’t be able to even go much longer due to that. If only I could explain that I am not doing it on purpose, I just can’t seem to stop the automatic response to stress i.e. my over need for attention and support.
I have not had a normal life by any stretch of the imagination and don’t want to be laughed at when I get up on stage because not everyone will be able to look past my appearance and odd behavior to hear what I sound like. I won't be able to achieve the respect the other guys will get and I already know that before the day comes. Because at times I’m not even getting it from them when I start acting out. Again, I am not doing it on purpose but the stress brings it out of me in ways I can’t seem to fight off.
And so here I sit on my bed, wide awake, dope sleep ( from my sleep meds) and wishing when and if I get to sleep I don’t wake up. So I can put everyone else out of my misery knowing full well that no matter what I do it won’t likely happen for me (not to me).
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Emotional turmoil
Right now at this very moment I am regretting ever agreeing to sing with the guys for the talent show on the 18th because I was not prepared for how I was going to feel without someone behind the scenes to support me emotionally. A lot of people can say encouraging words to me but there was something to having a significant other back in the day when I performed last that kept my head on straight.
And at this moment my mind is anything but straight, it's winding itself into a begging for God to take me home yet again. Because when I get to this point I become an emotional vampire begging and needing attention I don't deserve because I'm supposed to be able to do this on my own by now and I can't. I have not had time to prepare for this part of my life coming back to me and I don't know how to be the emotional support I need.
I'm not used to being there for me, I'm used to me crawling inside and begging for death rather than put myself out there anymore. Because out there I am vulnerable and open myself up to things I never could deal with, criticism, support and people trying to emotionally connect with me which I never could do no matter how hard I have tried in the past it just feels hollow to me, empty as the glass once you've drank from it.
No amount of positive reinforcement can make me shake the feeling I'm about to humiliate and degrade myself for other amusement and retribution. I have always been told I wasn't worthy, that what I do is meaningless and unimportant in the grand scheme of life and that was by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally and didn't. And now I try to soak it up like a sponge and people cannot understand that at nearly 50 years of age I have with the exception of the last few years been my only support for everything emotional and with Bipolar, Depression & PTSD I don't know what is the right thing to do for me.
Putting myself out there leaves me feeling tortured and scarred and wishing I was no longer here. I know that's not right but I can't seem to help myself, it's a safety zone that is so familiar and safe. Unlike putting myself out there for others to hear and possibly ridicule, I just don't know how to feel anymore. My tornado is flowing at 195 and my mind is taking me to depths of fear I don't like feeling but can't fight off anymore.
And at this moment my mind is anything but straight, it's winding itself into a begging for God to take me home yet again. Because when I get to this point I become an emotional vampire begging and needing attention I don't deserve because I'm supposed to be able to do this on my own by now and I can't. I have not had time to prepare for this part of my life coming back to me and I don't know how to be the emotional support I need.
I'm not used to being there for me, I'm used to me crawling inside and begging for death rather than put myself out there anymore. Because out there I am vulnerable and open myself up to things I never could deal with, criticism, support and people trying to emotionally connect with me which I never could do no matter how hard I have tried in the past it just feels hollow to me, empty as the glass once you've drank from it.
No amount of positive reinforcement can make me shake the feeling I'm about to humiliate and degrade myself for other amusement and retribution. I have always been told I wasn't worthy, that what I do is meaningless and unimportant in the grand scheme of life and that was by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally and didn't. And now I try to soak it up like a sponge and people cannot understand that at nearly 50 years of age I have with the exception of the last few years been my only support for everything emotional and with Bipolar, Depression & PTSD I don't know what is the right thing to do for me.
Putting myself out there leaves me feeling tortured and scarred and wishing I was no longer here. I know that's not right but I can't seem to help myself, it's a safety zone that is so familiar and safe. Unlike putting myself out there for others to hear and possibly ridicule, I just don't know how to feel anymore. My tornado is flowing at 195 and my mind is taking me to depths of fear I don't like feeling but can't fight off anymore.
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