That is now stuck in my craw, yesterday I was in a pretty good mood for a person who often goes through various mood shifts in just a few hours depending on the environment, etc...
Yesterday for instance I waited around the VAMC when Music Therapy wasn 't a go for two hours because I thought I had an appointment with my Therapist. When I went to sign in, I found out it was actually for Wednesday and not in fact Tuesday. I laughed all the way to the car.
After I awoke this morning I was on the toilet talking to myself (this is my normal) pissed off because my kids hate me, I had to cut most of my dysfunctional family out of my life for my own mental well being and I am going to die alone. I know it won't be this week as I am NOT planning anything so please don't call the Police on me, I just know someday when it's my time....I will be alone.
I however, would rather be alone than surrounded by people who didn't treat me the way I thought I deserved, not the way they wanted me to think I earned by being me or being born. The hostility that this brought about in me after the thought is gut-wrenchingly disturbing and heartbreaking at the same time.
My ex, the mother of my kids works with people like me for a living and I assume because she is advancing there from what I can tell as some compassion for them, just not for me. I know she told a Church Magazine that she thought I was her "soulmate" and honestly the feeling was reasonably mutual till she decided to put what her Mom wanted us to do in front of what I wanted to do. And now she hates me (rightly so I guess).
She likely wouldn't even cry over my death rather, she would be standing there wanting to know what our kids were entitled to instead. How do I leave something to someone who only wanted what they could get from me that was worth anything beyond the fact that I would have gladly sacrificed my life to save theirs, in other words, my LOVE. I have them on my life insurance policy after I have paid whatever isn't prepaid for my funeral (Paid for that when I got my service-connection like I had planned on doing for years while waiting for it.)
I just really want to know why I give my love so freely when I let someone inside my walls only to in the end be rebuffed by them no matter how hard I try to get them to see I was doing the best I could all things considered. I spent so many years hating myself for failing in the Army mentally (Proven to not be my fault), for not being there when my friends died when had I been mentally stronger I would have been and for everytime I looked in the mirror, hating the man or boy I was looking at...
Showing posts with label Deadbeat fathers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Deadbeat fathers. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Triggers, Robin Williams & Me
So here I sit at 3 am, at 11:30 pm I was tired and took my meds, turned off the TV and went to bed. I got up at 12:40 am to pee because after all I am an older man despite my baby faced appearance. Anyways after I woke up to pee I was wide awake, groggy but wide awake.
I knew I was in for trouble two weeks ago when I saw a thing about Robin on TV but when it came closer and even Sirius Radio was talking about him again, I was done in. I think I mentioned this before but I share a birthday with the man and also believe that at some point he mentioned having similar mental health issues as well as sensitivities. So here I sit on August 11th at 3 am wide the frick awake thinking about him and me.
Yesterday I hit another hot button trigger when I saw an article from BP Magazine about relationships and how the opposite sex can help you cope with BP. Of course this hit a trigger because my first wife had a miraculous way of keeping me on track and reasonably focused for a Bipolar and I will forever miss her for that reason. She dealt with a great deal of my darker side including a deep depression where I threatened suicide if she didn't take me to the hospital.
As I get older I have devoted myself to staying alive until my body finally gives up on me for the sake of the children I fathered so they are not irreparably harmed by suicide. They don't want anything to do with me but I cannot harm them that way. Unlike Robin who had plenty of money to be given to his kids after his passing if I do that there is no insurance payments from my life insurance and I know that they would likely take it personally as I know I would.
They respond to me as if I am a deadbeat Dad because my kids despite being in their teens now have never really been told what is mentally wrong with their father. Despite having supervised visits while they were growing up because of my Bipolar according to my ex and her family I was never truly sick enough to be unable to provide for my kids and should have been able to find and keep working which I wasn't.
As I am now service connected for my mental illness through the Department of Veterans Affairs I receive a pension and they get a pretty good size chunk of that each month. I haven't spoken to them since the oldest a year ago October decided I should suddenly give her money for a "School trip" though I wasn't given any information and I have no parental rights to those types of things as I am a non-custodial parent due to my Bipolar. When I refused she told me off and I told her to not contact me anymore if she couldn't or wouldn't speak to me with respect as after all I am still her father. Haven't heard from them since.
I knew I was in for trouble two weeks ago when I saw a thing about Robin on TV but when it came closer and even Sirius Radio was talking about him again, I was done in. I think I mentioned this before but I share a birthday with the man and also believe that at some point he mentioned having similar mental health issues as well as sensitivities. So here I sit on August 11th at 3 am wide the frick awake thinking about him and me.
Yesterday I hit another hot button trigger when I saw an article from BP Magazine about relationships and how the opposite sex can help you cope with BP. Of course this hit a trigger because my first wife had a miraculous way of keeping me on track and reasonably focused for a Bipolar and I will forever miss her for that reason. She dealt with a great deal of my darker side including a deep depression where I threatened suicide if she didn't take me to the hospital.
As I get older I have devoted myself to staying alive until my body finally gives up on me for the sake of the children I fathered so they are not irreparably harmed by suicide. They don't want anything to do with me but I cannot harm them that way. Unlike Robin who had plenty of money to be given to his kids after his passing if I do that there is no insurance payments from my life insurance and I know that they would likely take it personally as I know I would.
They respond to me as if I am a deadbeat Dad because my kids despite being in their teens now have never really been told what is mentally wrong with their father. Despite having supervised visits while they were growing up because of my Bipolar according to my ex and her family I was never truly sick enough to be unable to provide for my kids and should have been able to find and keep working which I wasn't.
As I am now service connected for my mental illness through the Department of Veterans Affairs I receive a pension and they get a pretty good size chunk of that each month. I haven't spoken to them since the oldest a year ago October decided I should suddenly give her money for a "School trip" though I wasn't given any information and I have no parental rights to those types of things as I am a non-custodial parent due to my Bipolar. When I refused she told me off and I told her to not contact me anymore if she couldn't or wouldn't speak to me with respect as after all I am still her father. Haven't heard from them since.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
The ultimate sacrifice for love
We all know what they call the ultimate sacrifice for love but in the moment could you do it knowing what it would cost you in the end? Can you let family go to save them from you and your mental health issues to keep from hurting them any further? Can you walk away from your kids with little to no contact in order to keep you from making their lives a living hell while you fight off rage, cycles and manic behavior?
I did it and it cost me more than most would willingly give up who don't have my issues. I couldn't deal with family who did not care about my feelings, my wants or needs. That put me in the backseat because I was what they considered inferior but didn't completely cut me off because after all they likely would need me for something later, like paint a house, fix their car, move their furniture, babysit my own kids even though they didn't trust me when they were first born.
I will go through the rest of my life likely very alone because I wasn't there for those who needed me and cut off others who kept hurting me when I begged them to stop. I will not see my kids marry, have kids of their own because I am the "lazy Dad" who didn't take care of them, wouldn't just give them money without even getting information about where they were going and whom they would be going with once I had some money. No one ever wanted to tell them the truth that their Dad was considered nearly legally crazy and was barely able to take care of himself let alone care for them.
So I ask again.
"Could you make the ultimate sacrifice for love knowing what it would cost you?"
I did it and it cost me more than most would willingly give up who don't have my issues. I couldn't deal with family who did not care about my feelings, my wants or needs. That put me in the backseat because I was what they considered inferior but didn't completely cut me off because after all they likely would need me for something later, like paint a house, fix their car, move their furniture, babysit my own kids even though they didn't trust me when they were first born.
I will go through the rest of my life likely very alone because I wasn't there for those who needed me and cut off others who kept hurting me when I begged them to stop. I will not see my kids marry, have kids of their own because I am the "lazy Dad" who didn't take care of them, wouldn't just give them money without even getting information about where they were going and whom they would be going with once I had some money. No one ever wanted to tell them the truth that their Dad was considered nearly legally crazy and was barely able to take care of himself let alone care for them.
So I ask again.
"Could you make the ultimate sacrifice for love knowing what it would cost you?"
Saturday, June 20, 2015
What some people call Father's like me on Father's Day
Some people would call someone like me on father's day a deadbeat dad because for most of my children's lives I struggled to keep up with my child support forgetting my amount in arrears never got higher than $11k. While by most standards this is still rather high up in amount I did it while fighting Bipolar/PTSD/Depression/Borderline Personality Disorder not too mention the litany of other medical issues I suffer from as I struggled to find and keep work after the divorce.
I know I am a bad father even in my own eyes but it often upsets me when some talk about deadbeat dads like anyone who has ever gotten behind on child support or not seen their kids is one. For a long time I struggled to see my kids borrowing a car and the money for the 200 mile roundtrip even in winter time. I fought hard to keep my mind at bay for four hours with my kids and at times all I kept hearing was that they could do something with their Grandparents on my exes side if I wasn't there.
What struck me as odd about that was their Grandma who made the plans rarely tried to work around my visits to which I was entitled to by court order. But all that time I kept from saying anything till they got to a certain age in 2011 where I couldn't take them doing it anymore and had the order changed since they wouldn't stop and Grandma couldn't seem to avoid making plans on the ONE SUNDAY a month for FOUR HOURS.
The one thing I am quite most do not know is that during the entire time since the divorce as like before the marriage I have been struggling to keep myself from even attempting to harm myself anymore. I can live with my kids hating me I couldn't stand the idea of them being harmed any further if I had taken my own life or even had yet another failed attempt at it. It is hard enough for me to bear that the thought of them having to deal with it alone was enough to make me hate myself even more for thinking about it.
They may hate me for the rest of their lives despite being raised in a "Christian" household that apparently can forgive anyone but me for anything. I was always Bipolar enough to need to be supervised during Parenting Time but was never Bipolar enough to not be able to work. And of course now that I get a service-connected pension from the VA the only thing they want from me is of course Money.
I don't mind paying my fair share of child support but I cannot stand being described as a deadbeat daddy who is supposed to pay extra for school functions I am not allowed to attend or know anything about other than they need the money and expect some from me.
Not every Deadbeat Daddy/Father chooses to be that way.
I know I am a bad father even in my own eyes but it often upsets me when some talk about deadbeat dads like anyone who has ever gotten behind on child support or not seen their kids is one. For a long time I struggled to see my kids borrowing a car and the money for the 200 mile roundtrip even in winter time. I fought hard to keep my mind at bay for four hours with my kids and at times all I kept hearing was that they could do something with their Grandparents on my exes side if I wasn't there.
What struck me as odd about that was their Grandma who made the plans rarely tried to work around my visits to which I was entitled to by court order. But all that time I kept from saying anything till they got to a certain age in 2011 where I couldn't take them doing it anymore and had the order changed since they wouldn't stop and Grandma couldn't seem to avoid making plans on the ONE SUNDAY a month for FOUR HOURS.
The one thing I am quite most do not know is that during the entire time since the divorce as like before the marriage I have been struggling to keep myself from even attempting to harm myself anymore. I can live with my kids hating me I couldn't stand the idea of them being harmed any further if I had taken my own life or even had yet another failed attempt at it. It is hard enough for me to bear that the thought of them having to deal with it alone was enough to make me hate myself even more for thinking about it.
They may hate me for the rest of their lives despite being raised in a "Christian" household that apparently can forgive anyone but me for anything. I was always Bipolar enough to need to be supervised during Parenting Time but was never Bipolar enough to not be able to work. And of course now that I get a service-connected pension from the VA the only thing they want from me is of course Money.
I don't mind paying my fair share of child support but I cannot stand being described as a deadbeat daddy who is supposed to pay extra for school functions I am not allowed to attend or know anything about other than they need the money and expect some from me.
Not every Deadbeat Daddy/Father chooses to be that way.
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