As I sit here on the Friday before Christmas I am awaiting big news that cannot come soon enough for me. You see I have had Colon Polyps in the past and some were just shy of full blown Type A Cancer. And on this past Wednesday I went to the Ann Arbor VAMC and was given an Upper/Lower Endoscopy where they took no less than 13 Biopsies from my Stomach & my Colon.
And now I sit here with no real information days before Christmas knowing that I will at some point be told at the very least I likely need surgery on my stomach for a hole that appears to be causing issues. And I know they will want to redo my fundoplication (I'm sure I misspelled that word) for my severe acid reflux.
I would rather spend Christmas with knowledge of what's to come than sit here with nothing and no real opportunity before the holiday to be sure of what they want to do to/for me. My Bipolar is on overdrive as I struggle to not worry myself to death over this thing that happened just days before Christmas.
Friday, December 23, 2016
Friday, December 9, 2016
Friday, December 2, 2016
Sometimes
Sometimes I think even the VA employees forget how screwed up I really am or what I've been through that makes me sometimes act that way. Yesterday, yet again after I said something I hear the VA employees taking pot shots at me with me 3 feet from them. The more I thought about it the more it irritated me but I can't do anything because it's one of the only groups I am still allowed to go to for various reasons.
If I blow that one up that means no more music therapy, no more singing and no more belting out like I cannot do at home. I want to say something but how do you explain that I really can sense what others are thinking and it's not my BIPOLAR DELUSIONS telling me that? How do I get them to understand that I often stay close to them when I feel insecure in public because often growing up my only protectors were female?
I did fairly well yesterday at the Christmas talent show but I'm struggling with the rest of it. I don't socialize well and I know there are supportive things I was expected to return to others that I didn't do. It's not my thing to lie to someone to make them feel better when they sing like they are strangling a cat and chase off the audience.
I'm drowning in emotions and fears everyday. I'm not always able to push them back inside and they push me into overdrive, leaving me exhausted and wanting to sleep only I cannot sleep, I lay there upset and thinking about that crap and this run-on sentence.
The moral is that even people with severe Bipolar/Depression who live into their 50's still have bad days along with the good. And often the bad days follow right behind the good one's it's part of my life and I am dealing with it as best I can. So if you are younger and think you cannot survive with it, you can just look at my crazy butt....J
If I blow that one up that means no more music therapy, no more singing and no more belting out like I cannot do at home. I want to say something but how do you explain that I really can sense what others are thinking and it's not my BIPOLAR DELUSIONS telling me that? How do I get them to understand that I often stay close to them when I feel insecure in public because often growing up my only protectors were female?
I did fairly well yesterday at the Christmas talent show but I'm struggling with the rest of it. I don't socialize well and I know there are supportive things I was expected to return to others that I didn't do. It's not my thing to lie to someone to make them feel better when they sing like they are strangling a cat and chase off the audience.
I'm drowning in emotions and fears everyday. I'm not always able to push them back inside and they push me into overdrive, leaving me exhausted and wanting to sleep only I cannot sleep, I lay there upset and thinking about that crap and this run-on sentence.
The moral is that even people with severe Bipolar/Depression who live into their 50's still have bad days along with the good. And often the bad days follow right behind the good one's it's part of my life and I am dealing with it as best I can. So if you are younger and think you cannot survive with it, you can just look at my crazy butt....J
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