Some wounds just won't close

Some days wounds are opened that I cannot seem to bear but my mind keeps pushing forward because what else would I do?  For decades my mind has been a driving force no matter what to not quit even when I wake up to another failed attempt at suicide.  I always had it but a drill sergeant I had told me one time to “never quit on him again.”  So I haven’t at least not entirely.

And sometimes I see an old friend who is my Dad’s age, a Vietnam Vet whom I know for a fact would put himself between me and harm no questions asked.  But when I see him the floodgates open and it all comes pouring out because he’s been through some of it and has NEVER judged me for anything I’ve said to him including suicidal hate.  He would try to talk me down but he never, ever judged me or turned his back on me.

He knows I need to get it out and for me sometimes that’s enough to keep trying to let it go and other days it reminds me of one thing.  How many times I have cheated death in my lifetime while others who were mentally stronger than me and living a more positive life had their lives taken from them.  It brings up an unbearable guilt the likes of which I find hard to put into words despite my being able to talk about my illness freely often at the detriment of friendships that had barely even gotten started.

If there ever was a purpose for me to be still kicking past an age when doctors were sure I would likely never see.  In my twenties given my mental issues and pressing other medical issues they didn’t think I would live past age 40.  I can hold my head up at times and say “I am turning 49 this year.”  But that brings up my baby face that makes me look 18 to 20 years younger than I am and thus doesn’t bring with it the respect for having lived this long even among some VA employees I know.  I know I don’t socialize well but after years of taking abuse because of the way I look or act, I have earned that right, of that I am quite certain.


To turn 50 soon and not look my age is not all it’s cracked up to be no matter who you are trust me.  I want to be treated with some respect and knowledge that I have lived through a pain that has killed lesser beings either by their own hand or at the hand of someone who thought less of them simply because they didn’t act “normal.”    What I wouldn’t give to have just one day of my life seem normal but I guess that’s just the way it’s going to be.  But when people see you as a quiet, good listener you can get issues dumped on you that you may not be prepared for.

And in my case I often can’t let go of their pain as my sensitivities take all that on and cause me to act erratically making painful, costly mistakes.  In social situations, in financial situations, relationships practically everything.  I mean what would you do at 46 and for the first time you are having to be completely dependent on yourself without a parent/spouse telling you what you can or cannot do.  That’s how messed up I was, I often was unable to decide for myself for example, when I bought my second house in my lifetime I had to fix/replace appliances and furniture on my own.  I didn’t know how to do that.

I didn’t know how to always make sound judgments not jump in headfirst spending money I likely shouldn’t have on items I really didn’t need but had always wanted.  And that includes a motorcycle that didn’t fit me and the dealership really wasn’t looking out for me but I lived and learned on that one. 

Yesterday however I was reminded that I need to do my will and it has churned up a firestorm inside of me because despite my fight to keep going, I am inching closer to my mortal ends one day.  I have paid for my funeral but have stayed steadfast on my not wanting to make a will to ensure that people take care of my personal affects the way I want it done.  It’s hard enough thinking that the day when the preacher stands at my gravesite at Fort Custer National Cemetery
under the tent talking over my ashes (Lamentations) he will likely be alone except for the honor guard. 

I will either outlive the remainder of my friends or I will have alienated them so much that they don’t show up.  I will likely go out exactly as I had predicted decades before I will die alone and be buried alone.   I can’t keep family around me who were making me feel like a lesser being for whatever reason because that is too hard to deal with anymore. 

So here I sit wide awake early Sunday morning tearing up yet again because the grief, the pain of losses and the inevitable demise alone is tearing at my soul once more.

My lessons of life, regret and music

Yesterday for the first time in what often feels like a lifetime ago my vocal pipes were brought out of mothballs and let loose.  And as always I was thrilled at the time but invariably by the next day I am living with a pain in my soul.  The kind that can be hard to describe but maybe I can at the very least explain why it hurts so much.

When I graduated high school I had been singing in choirs/show choirs since I was 6 or 7 and singing in general since I was first able to talk.  I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame you could say because just about everywhere I went whether alone or not I was at the very least humming away often to the dismay of friends & relatives.  So when I graduated naturally I wanted to pursue a career in music but at the time the only way I could think of satisfying this desire was to attend college and so on.

I had one draw back in that, I was unable to sight read sheet music at the time and to be honest I can follow along pretty well but still can’t really read it and voice what I see.  So I struggled to attain a degree in Music as I had hoped.  Eventually giving up and going for a business degree that everyone thinks is going to lead to some major exec job somewhere but that didn’t happen either.

Because all along the way I lived with serious regret and my suicidal hate was a driving force back then particularly after I got out of the Army the way that I did.  Oh and that was BEFORE college since I joined almost a year after graduating high school to pay for college in the first place.  Which is where my suicidal hate began when the Army who takes care of their own except those with mental disorders in a time of peace especially because they can’t afford to keep someone with any weakness around.

I am babbling on as usual but my goal here is for you to share this one thing I’ve learned out of my lifetime, don’t give up on your dreams even if you have to modify them to meet your job needs, family needs, etc... 

Because even if you only sing once a week in a church choir it is still letting you be you and holding back something inside of you that may mean all the difference in the world when it comes to mental health of anyone, not just those with Bipolar or Depression.  Giving up a part of your soul can be devastating to your mental well being believe me I know exactly what I'm talking about.  After I got my business degree I pretty much gave up singing anymore as I was struggling to keep me from attempting to kill myself, satisfying a spouse's needs or working to put food on the table for a wife and kids. 

It's not easy I know but it can be worth it if you do it your whole life in some capacity not try to hide or diminish it to please others.  Being the real you is important at an early age not just when you've reached the end of your life and realize all the regrets you have over what you could have done with your life.

Be happy you've earned it just by being here.

I was so close to getting some answers from you Robin...........

It was 0520 and I was moving along in my dream with no pain, no tears that is until I saw you.  You were there shaking hands and we made eye contact, I was within moments of talking to you getting the answers I wasn’t able to get while you were alive and kicking.  Then I woke up, I had to pee yet again, and when I got back into bed I was in tears...Because I couldn’t get back to sleep.

I keep seeing you on TV but it’s not the same as when I see you in my dreams.  Where I get to talk to you, share my thoughts and fears.  Where we can sit down have a drink and feel comfort from your company.  Because as my Idol I never met, I live in the pain of knowing, we never met.

I had so much to ask you, so much to learn from you about how to harness the pain, the manic powers for good.  How to keep some semblance of a positive relationship without imploding it each time I open my mouth.  I to live a moderately happy life when I know in my heart my pain is so unbearable at times I don’t care if I don’t wake up. 

But today I cared because for a moment I was so close to talk to you... I know no one else may ever understand how it hurts so badly, so deeply except maybe you...you who struggled with the same pain and made others laugh at a moments notice, hiding your pain deep inside.

Advice to self

I wanted to give you some advice from your past that I know in your weakest moments you won’t be likely to remember...

You are worth more than those you love even though it can hurt so deeply when you feel they no longer love you.

You didn’t make a major error, it was just a faulted and those can be picked up, dusted off and keep going.  Don’t let it bury you deep, keep moving forward.

You are not what people make you out to be, you can be so, so much more, if only you’d believe it.  Even in your darkest hours of depression and despair.

You attempted in the past and you grew from it don’t let others get you down when they judge you for your mistakes.  You are still here and that’s what really matters, ignore those who can’t or won’t see that for what it is.

You made it this far, just a little further.  One day at a time.

You don’t have to let your perceptions clarify each and every event in your life.  Sometimes it is what it seems and not what you perceive it to be.

You don’t need someone else to keep you going.  Remember you got this far pretty much on your own.  You had help but you did the hard work yourself.

You made it this far and no matter what anyone say’s or does, inside you there is some self love left.

You don’t need to let others get  you down all the time.  You are what matters in your world, let them have their opinion because that is all it is, an opinion.

You don’t need others to validate you all the time.  Self validation is important too.

You keep smiling and as always remember to breathe.

Intimacy

Keeping in mind I have no idea what love actually feels like as I grew up in a house with a dysfunctional family for the most part after all the last time I felt any intimacy of signs of love from my father was the day he pulled me from a river a mile from the falls when I was five.  After that it seemed that every mistake was on purpose whether it cost him money or not.

But I am missing one part of love that most people get to take for granted, intimacy.  The moment when you are holding someone close feeling their body showing love from their soul not just their word from their mouth.  Those moments when the passion is so hard that you forget you aren't one person entwined with one another feeling, touching, lusting, etc...

It has been years since I felt that closeness and I am reminded that it can be hard for someone else to love you when you don't love yourself.  I'm so socially inept and awkward these days it can be hard to even know where to attempt to start.  I spend a great deal of my time dreaming about it since I have not a whole lot to do most days.  I finally got the chance to not have to try to work but it leaves me with so much time that at times it can be hard to bare.